Statues
by Lore Sjöberg
David has become not only the ultimate expression of the classical
ideal of human physical perfection, but in our society it has
become the sole remaining reason we don't just ban nudity outright.
Whenever some country threatens to just outlaw genetalia entirely,
someone points out that art sometimes has a penis. If it weren't for
Michaelangelo's vision, government-sanctioned decency patrols would
even now be breaking into our bedrooms with truncheons and nerve gas. A
Predictably, this statue was controversial when first unveiled.
Many people are accustomed to thinking of public artworks as
featuring primarily pretty things exuding spouts of water, and
this sculpture of a vengeful aardvark god threw them off their
stride. I am told, however, that Chicagoans have come to embrace the
statue as their own, in the same perverse manner that they
embrace insanely cold winters and "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown." B
There's a story behind this statue. It involves Poseidon and
the Trojan horse, but the upshot is that this is a statue of three
guys being strangled by a giant sea serpent. The sons in question
are kind of tiny compared to Lacoon himself, which I am led to
understand is to give a sense of perspective when viewed from
the front. I guess I can see that, if I squint. I don't really
like squinting in front of art, though. I'm always concerned
people will think I'm trying to levitate it. C-
Without a doubt, this is the finest piece of artwork ever created
by a guy named Myron. And so sensibly named, too! That man is definitely
a discus thrower. Kind of a stupid discus thrower considering
how close he's standing to that stump, but nonetheless a thrower of the
discus. C+
This statue is Rodin's gift to the world of sculpture, and
the world of clip art. As a deep and profound symbol of,
uh, a guy thinking, it outshines even the light bulb symbol.
Besides, within a few decades light bulbs will have been replaced by
self-contained fusion panels, but a naked guy giving himself back
problems never goes out of style. C+
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