The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

I'm big on sloth. Sloth is cheap, and easy to get. You need a partner or at least an object to get the most out of lust, gluttony and avarice both take something of a financial investment, but sloth is damned convenient. You can get in some quality sloth in your own bedroom, watching TV or even at the office. And if anyone gives you a hard time about it, just point out that by doing nothing, you're helping to slow down the endless march of entropy and delay the eventual heat death of the universe. B+

Most people group sloth and gluttony together as the Slob Sins, but the fact is that your dedicated glutton puts a lot of effort into his or her sin. Finding the stores with the pillowcase-sized bags of potato chips, checking out which lunch buffets shut down at 2:00 and which go on until 3:30, taping Nabisco commercials--gluttony can be hard work. Take time out to give a glutton you know a pat on the back and a bite of your sandwich, just to say "Hey, thanks for being a glutton." C+

Lousy sin. Unsociable, bad on the nerves, and drives property values down. And what do you have to show for it? An ulcer and bruised knuckles, that's what. And it's so vulgar. Take it from me, pass on the wrath. Not only will you be less damned, you'll be happier. D

Ah, lust. Putting the "deadly" back into the Seven Deadly Sins. The nasty thing is that while you need to trade liquids to get dead from lust, all you have to do to be damned to eternal hellfire and torment is lust in your heart. Talk about insult to injury. I lust in my heart all the time-- heart, brain, endocrine glands, the whole shebang. Even if I WANTED to not lust, I'm not sure how I'd go about it. Still, of all the deadly sins, this one is its own reward. B

I'm not sure how this one works. Is plain old everyday pride sinful or do you have to get into the realm of hubris before you're in trouble? Do you go to hell for saying "this is a pretty tasty three-bean salad I've made, if I do say so myself," or do you have to say "why, I bet this is a better three-bean salad than GOD could make"? And what about self-esteem? My high school counselors were always pushing self-esteem on me. Were they pawns of the Adversary? So many questions. C

This is another of those thinking sins. Do you get damned for THINKING about another slice of pie? Do you burn for CONSIDERING hitting the snooze alarm? No, of course not, but all you have to do is covet something of someone else's and boom, you're a brimstone hors d'oeuvre. You don't have to lay a HAND on your neighbor's manservant to get the ecclesiastical zot. There should really be some sort of appeals process. C-

Also known as greed. Got a lot of good press in the eighties. Still has a lot of supporters. If gluttony were as popular as greed the snack food industry would own us all like so much stacked firewood. The problem with avarice is that it gets pretty ludicrous pretty quickly. From billionaires buying a dozen gold cadillacs to bozos gushing over costume jewelry on the Home Shopping Network, greedy people inevitably end up looking goofy in public. D

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