The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Good lord in heaven, when is this woman going to go away? In my world she would have slid into obscurity about the same time Mr. T did, leaving us with fond retro memories, but no, she's become VH-1's favorite self-fulfilling prophesy. Let me just say this: La Isla Bonita is one of the most traumatically bad songs ever to pass through human vocal chords. C-

The artist formerly known as talented. For a while there it looked like Prince was going to end up being the most essentially gifted of the eighties Michael Jackson/Madonna/Prince triumvirate, but apparently the same brain disease that led Michael to bleach himself and marry a Presley and Madonna to charge fifty bucks for self-indulgent soft-core porn got to Prince, because he's gotten simultaneously weirder and less interesting since he changed his name to the path neutrinos take in a high-speed nuclear collision. C-

The frown prince of the Depressed British Persons Genre, Morrissey for reasons I can't fathom turned a lot of teenage girls on in the eighties, which is a classic case of choosing poorly because the man himself admits he has no sex drive. Still, I'm sure many groupies were breathlessly led backstage to spend a night listening to him kvetch melodically. C-

Oh, please. Made a lot of money in the eighties in spite of the fact that she peaked with "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)." "Moonstruck" may have something to do with it; the film seemed really good at the time but it hasn't aged well. Nowadays it feels like "Italiansomething." And then she made commercials for Equal artificial sweetener. Boo. C-

Started out as M.C. Hammer, he changed his name to Hammer just about the time no one cared. It just goes to show you how fickle fame can be. For a while there he was as hot as hot can be, and then a couple years later he's doing Grad Night at Disney with L.L. Cool J and Run-DMC. Lesson to be learned? Rappers need a strong investment portfolio. C-

I liked the Police. Synchronicity was a great album, especially that bit about my mother on the phone. Sting on his own, however, is an overexposed morass of self-importance and violins. And what the HELL is it with that line about a big enough umbrella that he puts in three-tenths of his songs? If I hear one more time about how it's always him that ends up getting wet I'm going to mangle something important to me. C-

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