by Lore Sjöberg

Scooby-Doo
Is it just me, or is there something eerie about Scooby? He's not anthropomorphic, exactly, he just speaks English. With a canine accent. It's as if trying to force his tortured vocal cords to form sounds that no loving God ever intended. Was he the result of some madman's blasphemous experiments in creating life? Are the ghosts he's chasing really the ghosts of his own inhuman mind? Should I get out more? B

Scrappy-Doo
Speaking of inhuman. I just want to get this twisted little bastard out of the way so that I can go back to ignoring him. The more astute readers among you may have noticed that I haven't yet gone so far as to give anything an actual "F." That's not out of any kind-heartedness on my part, it's just that every time I got ready to give one out, I would ask myself, "is it really that bad, compared to the verminous, soul-tainting badness of Scrappy-Doo?" And now, at long last, I have my chance. Prepare yourself, oh encephalitic hound. F! Hahahahahaha! It feels good!

Fred
Man. Post-catharsis, I'm feeling pretty charitable toward the entire rest of the animated gang. Heck, I could probably give Quick-Draw McGraw a passing grade at this point. However, objectivity is in order. Fred's dull. He's one bland blond. He's a six-foot yawn in a cravat. His big thought every episode is "let's split up," and he apparently takes fashion tips from Mr. Howell. C-

Shaggy
Hey, I'm way behind anyone voiced by Casey Kasem. Shaggy, Robin, Cliffjumper from "The Transformers," anyone. I bet Casey and Don Pardo get together and go to bars and enunciate clearly. But I digress. Shaggy. Blah blah pot blah blah hippie blah blah munchies. Every half-assed stand up comedian from here to the Catskills has a bit on the Shaggy-reefer connection. But they don't understand about Casey. Casey's the alpha and the omega of Hanna-Barbera. That's all there is to say. A-

Velma
This one wins the prestigious "Cartoon Character Whose Name I Have to Look Up Most Often" award. Velma? Thelma? Selma, Alabama? Anyhow, while Fred's getting fashion advice from Thurston, Velma apparently gets her look from a bean bag that went to Catholic school. She does seem to have more wits about her than the rest of her gang, but saying she's the brains of the group is like saying someone has the best social skills of anyone on "Ultima Online." B-

Daphne
I guess she's supposed to be the beauty of the group, but nobody looks that great at 8 frames per second. Whereas Fred was merely dull, Daphne was dull and pointless. Fred at least bossed people around. Aside from chastising Shaggy and Scooby and getting caught in the inevitable net trap, Daphne didn't really have much to do. So of course she's the one they hang onto for the pathetic "13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo" series. Pleh. D