August

When I was a kid, August bugged me. It's the only month, in the US at least, with no major holidays. Of course, it was summer and I was out of school anyway, but dammit, I wanted a holiday! Preferably one involving a nice meal. Cold cuts, maybe. The Feast of Cold Cuts. There you go. Anyhow, August is also hot and sticky and named after some moldy old Roman, so really it doesn't get any better the closer you examine it. D-

September

September, while nicely cool and usually pretty, doesn't really have much going on in the holiday area either, modulo Rosh Hashanah if you're Jewish. It does have the whole back-to-school aspect, which is a mixed blessing. On the one hand you get various cartoon-imprinted folders and pencil sharpeners and such, but on the other hand, you know, back to school. But now that I'm an adult and I can and do buy a Powerpuff Girls lunchbox any time I want, that doesn't bother me anymore. C+

October

Halloween is good. Columbus Day is one of those "holidays" that affect only postal workers and bank tellers. October is also when the weather starts settling down into some serious stinkiness or, on the California coast, intermittent hazy skies. Growing up in California, weather was something that happened to other people, like meteor strikes or cholera. B+

November

This is where it all starts; the whole yuletide currency-fest. We should just consolidate November and December, make up a name in Latin that refers to credit cards and/or animatronic bears in red hats, and have done with it. At least November has a feast holiday. But you have to wade through an oozing tide of holly-bedecked used car salesmen on TV to get to it. C

December

If the Star Wars series was a year, it would end with The Empire Strikes Back. It's kind of pretty, but very dark, and it has many exciting parts but overall it's pretty much a bummer. Jeez, I really hope the rest of the Matrix trilogy is good so that I can stop making these constant references to Star Wars. You know how old people are always talking about the depression and/or World War II? My generation's going to be like that with Star Wars. We're going to make all these addled references to Bespin and Yavin and the youth will hate us for it. But I digress. C-

January

I think having January as the first month of the New Year encourages cynicism in many people. They get drunk off their ass in the spirit of renewal and the hope for a bright future, and the next day it's still cold, wet, and dismal. And that's pretty much what they come to expect from life. Me, I like the rain. C+