The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Months (Part II)


Pronouncing the first "r" in "February" is like making a homemade Seaquest DSV uniform: It's a pain in the butt and very few people appreciate the effort. Having said that, I like February because of the 28 day thing and because of the leap year thing. Plus it has Groundhog Day, which is the most cheerfully pointless holiday that people actually celebrate. (People do not actually celebrate Frozen Food Week, no matter what your grocery chain flyers tell you.) B+


In like a lion, out like some variety of young domesticated herbivorous mammal. March has an equinox, which isn't something I paid much attention to until I started to have so many pagan friends. Equinoxes and solstices are such sensible things to celebrate that I'm tempted to take up pagantry in my spare time, but for now I'll just stick with my practice of referring to Saint Patrick's Day as the Tavernal Equinox. B-


You may have noticed, if you've been hanging around for a while and have put at least three points into perception skills, that this space does not engage in April Fool's shenanigans. Frankly, I've never felt comfortable being a goof on Officially Designated Goof Occasions. It's pretty much the same reason I didn't put a silly message on my answering machine back when that was all the rage. Remember that? You couldn't call a freakin' notary public without having to listen to a five minute rendition of highlights from Les Miserables with clever lyrics on the subject of leaving a message and not being home. C-


May is a good month. It probably doesn't get enough credit. Quite the opposite, really. "Mayday" is now something you shout in movies just before the aliens get your plane, and a "mayfly" is just unpleasant. But May is pleasant, by and large. In the northern hemisphere. You Australians are, as in so many things, on your own. I suppose you can make sense of this series if you switch the months around. Except for the holidays. And put some holidays of your own in. Go ahead and put some derogatory comments about New Zealanders in there too, you've earned it. C+


June is my birth month, and I am nothing if not self-centered, so I'm willing to overlook many of my usual complaints about the summer months (too hot, too bright, too many commercials featuring the song "Summertime Blues") and bask in my own glory for a second. Bask bask. Okay, that's done. June is too hot, too bright, and they could at least use the Joan Jett cover once in a while. C


I'm not much into the confluence of patriotism and traffic jams, but I do enjoy fireworks. Nobody seems to do fireworks in shapes like they do on cartoons, though. You know, where they get a whole American eagle complete with arrows and basil leaves up there? I once saw a fireworks display where they managed to work up some smiley faces which where kind of lopsided and often upside down. While I appreciated the effort, the pyros really need to get the eagle happening to tell the cartoon guys to stop raising our hopes. D+

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