The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Aspects of the Movie Theater

What I don't understand is why they have maybe two guys tops doing the voiceovers for previews. Every preview has one of these two guys, except for the art flick previews with no voiceover where they figure a few quick shots of people ballroom dancing in period garb and a scene where an attractive person says "I have always belived...that life was for the living" will pull you in. Previews are fun, but can't we get some variety here? How about Casey Casem? I'll go to any film with Casey Casem doing the preview voiceover as long as there are no Klumps in it. A-

Ticket Takers
Apparently there's a huge gulf of communication in the six steps between the box office and the actual door of the movie theater. The invention of the telegraph, the beeper, and the chat room have done nothing to bridge this gap, and a small slip of paper with the words "LETHL WPN 5" remains the only way to prove that you aren't trying to pull a fast one on United Artists. Still, no skin off my pancreas, and it keeps teenagers off the streets, wearing bowties, and glowering at the masses. C

The biggest change in the delicate balance between the public and the media conglomerates will come when they invent a device like the metal-detecting wands they use in airports, only it detects candy bars. One wave of this thing and suddenly alarms are going off and you're being relieved of the bag of fun-size Snickers you had cleverly concealed in your armpit. Will the moviegoing audience be reduced to those actually willing to pay a 400% markup on gummi bears, or will the public rise up againsttheir oppressors like the heroes of a painfully revisionist summer historical drama? C-

Introductory Snippet
The little poorly-focused, scratch-covered computer animation at the beginning of the screening telling you to shut the hell up informs no one. It's like a PSA for movie clods. The guy talking in a normal tone of voice about his upcoming foosball tourney has obviously made a conscious personal choice to be a dick. He's probably the same guy who parks his SUV right on top of the line because he figures you should get one parking space for every 25K you spend on your vehicle. D

This seems like a pretty recent (circa Gump) development, but these days every wannabe blockbuster has a poster that goes up maybe a year before release, attempting to raise interest in a movie with an obscure tagline like "In Summer 2001, You Will Learn Not To Burn." The main people excited by these posters are those who know what the hell it's talking about, which tend to be those who have scoured the Web and already know the plot and the plots for the two planned sequels, but it's nice to have the appearance of anticipation at least. A

The Credits
What I want is a Web page that tells you, with no spoilers, whether to stay for the credits. I have friends who want to sit through the credits no matter what, even if it's an animated movie which has twenty-five people listed for every character including Blinko the Disoriented Ferret, but the only reason I stay is because sometimes there are outtakes. Burgess Meredith coming up with thirty different crude ways to say "have sex," bless my ankles that's entertainment to make even the most saturnine frat boy smile. C

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