The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Ice Cream Novelties

[Ice Cream on a Stick]

Ice Cream on a Stick
Everything's better on a stick. Everything! The only foodstuffs that aren't improved by impalement are those that thanks to a cruel twist of surface tension can't be put on a stick, like barbecue sauce and Irish cream. Sure, with Eskimo Pies and their ilk the chocolate shell comes off at the slightest provocation, but that's part of the fun! It's on a stick! A+

[Rectangular Ice Cream Sandwich]

Ice Cream Sandwiches
By this I mean the rectangular type with nondescript chocolate "bread" on either side. These are fun, even though the chocolate material clings to your fingers with a ferocity rarely seen outside of the orange crap on Chee-Tos. The major selling point is in the Neapolitan version though, where you can learn a lot about yourself from whether you eat the strawberry, chocolate or vanilla third first, or eat all three at once in some misguided attempt at egalitarian chorfing. I don't know exactly what you learn, but I'm sure it's significant. B

[Ice Cream Cookie Sandwich]

Ice Cream Cookie Sandwiches
A completely different wad of dairy than rectangular ice cream sandwiches, these are such a great idea that I find it difficult to believe the Romans conquered the better part of Europe without them. Ice cream. Cookies. Sometimes chocolate. I'm tempted to run a stick through them just so that I can know true novelty nirvana. A

[Little Ice Cream Sundae Tub]

Little Ice Cream "Sundae" Tubs
You know, there are always people who have a damp and subdued sense of fun. These are the people who sit on the stationary horses on the carousel. The people who consider pear halves to be dessert. The people who always eat pizza with a fork and knife. These are also the people who, when given a choice from the ice cream novelties bin at the local nacho-dispensing convenience chain store, pick the little bitty tubs of ice cream with strawberry stripes and a flat wooden spoon. I don't get them. D-

[Ice Cream Cone]

Ice Cream Cones
I am of course talking about the preassembled cones here. In particular, the ones where the ice cream continues the cone shape even beyond the actual cone. I like those. I mean, the cone is generally stale and almost chewy, the ice cream second rate, they're often called "Drumsticks" which isn't appetizing for a dessert no matter how you interpret it, and half the peanuts fall off and cower in the bag, but they've got a certain marginally symmetrical charm. C+

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