The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

New Quarters

[Connecticut Coin]

The Connecticut (pronounced ahr-KAN-zass) Quarter depicts what it claims is "The Charter Oak," a tree in which someone once hid a piece of paper. Not exactly TV miniseries potential, but that's a moot point because it actually clearly depicts the circulatory system of the kidney. Not that I'm complaining. B+

[New Jersey Coin]

New Jersey
Washington crossing the Delaware. Kind of a bland choice, but if I was in charge of the New Jersey Symbolism Department I'd be playing it safe, too. The coin also has the phrase "Crossroads of the Revolution" imprinted on it. Presumably this is part of some desperately overextended metaphor: "In New Jersey, the Crossroads of the Revolution, Washington was forced to contemplate whether to blow through the Yellow Light of Colonialism or halt and give up all hope of reaching the Liberty County Line before Boss Hawg caught him, Boss Hawg being a metaphor for the British Empire." C+

[Georgia Coin]

The fun this about this coin is that it depicts a peach which, if you turn it upside down, looks something like a butt. Now I, personally, am above such juvenile shenanigans, preferring to get my butt images from, but I'm just glad that our nation's schoolchildren will have an outlet for cheap currency-based laughs, given that the new one-dollar bills coming out will probably no longer be able to be folded so that Washington looks like a penis. B

[Delaware Coin]

I'm not thrilled with this design depicting early Delawarian Caesar Rodney. First, "Caesar Rodney" sounds like the stage name of a sitcom comedian. Secondly, there are no known portraits of him, meaning that this is just the coin equivalent of a police sketch. ("Have you seen this patriot?") Thirdly, the horse looks like it's coming to a humorous screeching cartoon stop. To his credit, though, Rodney's claim to fame is apparently that he rode to vote for independence in spite of suffering from facial cancer. Which explains the lack of portraits. D

[Pennsylvania Coin]

"VIRTUE LIBERTY INDEPENDENCE" is emblazoned on this coin. This is a bit of a downer: what's the point of liberty and independence if you're going to hang on to your virtue? I'd prefer "LIBERTY, INDEPENDENCE, GOOD-NATURED CAROUSING." Also, the gossamer-gowned statue depicted is supposed to extending her right hand in a gesture of mercy. If this is true, then the international gesture of mercy looks a lot like the gesture I use when I want someone to hand me the Doritos bag from the floor because I'm too lazy to get up and get it myself. C-

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