Figurine
This is a cheap plastic figurine of a doe-eyed Aryan youth, complete with jackboots. He appears to be part of a special elite military unit dedicated to polishing mailboxes while transmitting their heartbeats over cell phones, a strategy that was instrumental in annexing the Sudetenland in 1938. Or something. Whatever it is, it's godawful. D

500 Mini Latex Rubber Bands
The packaging claims they are "strong," "superior quality," and "gentle, won't stick to hair," which is the description of the ideal mini rubber band, lover, or codpiece. I can't really speak to the strength, quality, or gentility of these things in a comparative sense, but I can assure you that 500 black mini latex rubber bands in a pile look unnervingly like an insect infestation. C+

Be A Millionaire
What child doesn't enjoy the thrill of pretending his shift at the Circle K is over? An abnormal, sick child! That's why it's good that this pile of play money comes with an actual cash drawer that your imaginary supervisor can compare to your imaginary receipts and dock your imaginary paycheck. It's also good that every piece of change comes with "COPY" embossed on both sides, so nobody mistakes it for actual grey matte plastic American currency. C

Wizard World Trunk of Magic
Really more of a cardboard box than a trunk, this contains three magic tricks which are very convincing if your brain was recently replaced with a large jar of giardiniera. To be effective, the tricks require an audience ignorant of the following three facts: empty plastic bottles don't rattle, foam can be smooshed down really really small, and thumbs are opaque. D

Fast Dry Zinc
Fast dry zinc. Fast dry...zinc. Fast...dry zinc. Fast, dry zinc! Fast, dry, zinc! Okay, I give up. These are evil-tasting lozenges containing zinc, the only mineral which prevents colds while keeping your nose from getting sunburned. However, there is no adequate explanation for the term "fast dry," considering that you let them dissolve in your mouth, a process which is both slow and wet. I'm just going to assume they were invented by Misters Edward Fast and Bernardo K. Dry and move on. C-

Giant Size Sticker Me Map
Okay, marketing dollar store persons. Let me clue you in here. While, technically speaking, a piece of adhesive paper with nothing but the name of a state on it could be called a "sticker," most people would refer to it as a "label." And while technically speaking there may exist someone who considers sticking labels to an ill-smelling plastic map of the US a "fun way to learn about the states," most people would refer to it as "can I kill myself now?" And West Virginia doesn't even fit! Damn you, West Virginia doesn't...even...fit. D