The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Dante's Inferno Punishments, Part I

The Opportunists
These are people who refused to take sides on the whole good vs. evil thing, but just looked after themselves. (That's "chaotic neutral" for all you D&D fans.) As a result, they're doomed to forever run after a banner while being stung by wasps and hornets. The funny thing here is that these people aren't technically in hell. They're not evil enough to be in hell, so they're in the VESTIBULE of hell. Being stung by wasps forever. I didn't even know Hell HAD a vestibule. C-

The Virtuous Pagans
Another group that fell between the ecclesiastical cracks are those who died before Christ made the scene. Never having experienced God's word in the form of door-to-door missionaries, they just kind of hang around and sigh about the fact that while not being tortured for all time is nice and all, it's not as nice as heaven. I think this is that "Leonard Cohen afterworld" Kurt Cobain was going on about. Except, um, without Leonard Cohen. B

The Carnal
Lustful people spend eternity in a dark damp whirlwind. This is poetic justice in ways I'm not going into. I do want to point out, though, that this still seems better than following a flag while being stung by wasps. There are a lot of famous people here: Cleopatra, Helen, Tristan. If meeting celebrities in unpleasant dark hangouts is what Hell's all about, it's even more like LA than I suspected. D+

The Gluttons
Now we're getting into gruesome punishments. Gluttons can't eat or drink in Hell because they ate and drank so much in life. And they are trapped in putrid soil because they produced nothing but garbage in life. And they are being torn apart constantly by Cerberus's three sets of bloody teeth, because Dante is one sick motherfucker. B

The Hoarders and the Wasters
Hoarders and wasters get the same punishment: they have to slam weights against each other, then do it again forever. Of course, this is Hell, so "do it again forever" is implied. Hell is all about job security. This is kind of a lame punishment, but excessive hoarding or wasting (Of what? Ketchup packets?) is kind of a lame sin. D-

Next Week: Slime, the Sullen, and Centaurs

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