Dante's Inferno Punishments, Part II
by Lore Sjöberg

The Wrathful
The punishment for the wrathful is to attack each other. Is it just me or is this a briar-patch sort of "punishment"? If you're really wrathful, you're probably going to dig on a chance to work out that anger by gouging others. It's like punishing gluttons with ice cream sandwiches. D

The Sullen
Sullen? Sullenness is a sin? The sort of sin that dooms you to spend eternity in a slime-pit? Now I'm worried. How about crankiness? Poutiness? Irascibility? My God, what if irony is a sin? Yeah, I'd certainly be overjoyed to find that out. D+

The Heretics
People in tombs writhe in flames, pretty standard. It's nice to finally see some flames in Hell, I'd hate to think that all those Far Side cartoons had no basis in reality. The odd bit here is that these souls are a sub-genus of "The Violent," because they did violence to God by denying immortality. I'm not sure how that's, technically speaking, violent. But that's God for you, the all-huffy. C+

The Violent Against Neighbors
Now this is what I call violent. People who, you know, hit people. These malcontents are doomed to wallow in a boiling river of blood, and if they stop wallowing in blood they get shot by centaurs. But hey, at least they get a choice. If the boiling blood gets dull, they can give the centaur pincushion thing a try for a while. Hey, it's Hell, what do you want, doilies and candy jars? A

The Suicides
Suicides get their souls trapped in trees which bleed when harpies eat them. Take that, "Theme from M*A*S*H"! Anyhow, the suicides can only speak while bleeding, but that doesn't seem like it would make much of a difference. What are you going to talk about, it's not like there's a game on. "So, still trapped in a tree made of Purina Harpy Chow, huh? Yeah, me too. Ow." B

The Blasphemers
Burning sand and rains of fire, all for those who said things like "Jesus fuck, that's one God-be-buggered big-ass fajita plate," plus the entire London cast of Jesus Christ Superstar. It doesn't make it clear whether you can get away with phrases like "Gosh darn cripes," which would have been good to know. Anyhow, if you do these things you have to lay down in the sand. I think it would have been a more appropriate punishment for evil sunbathers, but that's why I'm not Pope. Among other reasons. C

Next week: Sodomites!