The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Wonders of the World

The Great Pyramid of Giza
The Great Pyramid is nice among world wonders because you can take poorly-focused pictures of it to this day. I've heard many theories as to why the pyramids have lasted so long, not all of them involving aliens from Rigel, but my favorite is "Hey, it's a pyramid. Even a worn and collapsed pyramid is still basically pyramid-shaped." Anyhow, due to its geometric simplicity, its hugeful hugeness, and its original creamy dead-Pharaoh center, the Pyramid rocks among Wonders. A

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
This is one of the most well-known Wonders, no doubt in part because the name makes no sense. Hanging? As it turns out, the Hanging Gardens were essentially the world's first and largest Chia Pet. King Nebuchadnezzar (rhymes with "Zebuchadnezzar") II built a ziggurat with built-in planters for his wife, who came from Media and didn't enjoy Babylon's flat landscape, hot climate, lack of vegetation, and ugly strip malls with musty laundromats every hundred yards. So KNII built the Hanging Gardens, which probably didn't actually exist. B

The Statue of Zeus at Olympia
This was pretty much what you'd expect: a big ol' statue of the Head Honcho of the Hellenic Hierarchy, taking up space in a typically sparse Greek temple. So much space, in fact, that if the statue came to life and stood up -- which would be cool -- it would have to stoop over or smack his polished marble headbone on the roof of his very own temple. You can hardly blame the sculptor for not considering the possible effects of extradimensional radiation, but it's still an odd thought. B-

The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
Perhaps this should be the fourth through sixth wonders of the world, as it was destroyed and rebuilt twice before being destroyed for good in AD 401. The first time it was burned down. I'm not sure how that works with a stone temple. I assume it involved lots of starter fluid. Interesting mythological note: The Ephesian Artemis was often portrayed with several breasts, to signify her awe-inspiring fertility. Weird. Eerie. B

The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
Not just a mausoleum, bo-ya, this is the Mausoleum, built for Mausollos of Caria, a king who is best known for being dead. Like Pharaoh Khufu, Mausollos decided that having a nifty tomb would make him seem more important than other ex-people. Not content with a Praying Hands sculpture, he had a resting place built to order. It wasn't as big or as durable as the Great Pyramid, but it was renowned for its beauty, although from recreations it looks kind of like the whipped-cream-topped tiramisu of the dead. C

The Colossus of Rhodes
Gird yourself for disappointment, if you're the girding type. The Colossus of Rhodes did not actually span the harbor's entrance in a crotch-exposing manner. It just stood nearby nakedly. You can get much the same effect from visiting the Statue of Liberty, which was designed to be very similar to it, except female, clothed, and much more appropriate for action films involving helicopters. C-

The Lighthouse of Alexandria
Well, it's a lighthouse. It's nice that one of the ancient wonders did something besides astonish historians and keep vultures from getting at the bodies of kings, but there's a certain sweeping poetry lacking in such a utilitarian wonder. More interesting is the legend that the great mirror in the lighthouse could be used to light ships afire like an evil science project, but if you believe that I've got a slightly used temple to sell you. D+

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