Dante's Inferno Punishments, Part V
by Lore Sjöberg

The Sowers of Discord
Here we have yet another permutation of the "walking around and being abused by demons" theme. The sowers of discord walk in a circle, get hacked up a bunch by a demon, and heal as they walk around the circle so they can get hacked up real good again. Is this a metaphor for: a. The cycle of chaos caused by sowers of discord? b. The futility of absolution without true repentance? or c. Working a retail job? C

Alchemists, Counterfeiters and False Witnesses
These falsifiers are subjected to a demonic everything bagel of torture; darkness, stench, disease, thirst, filth, and really loud noise. It lacks poetry, except in the literal sense, but you've got to admit it would be pretty unpleasant to deal with. In fact, I'm giving up alchemy right now. I just got this cool philosopher's stone from the Fingerhut catalog, but no, out it goes. I feel...cleaner now. B

Evil Impersonators
Evil impersonators! I want to be an evil impersonator! How do you get that gig? I mean, yeah, I could just look in the evil impersonator section of the want ads, but they always want, like, five years of experience in evil impersonation. I need to break in somehow. I'd be a great evil impersonator. I'd be very, very evil and also very identical. And then I'd die and have to run through a pit snatching at other dead people and being snatched at myself. B+

Treacherous to Kin and Country
Okay, the fuckers who betrayed random bonds of genes or nationality are stuck in ice, with their heads stuck up above the ice. There is no mention of demons holding a curling meet, but I'm sure it happens. You're a demon, it's your day off, you've got a rock and a broom and some dead sinners with their heads above the ice, what else are you going to do? D+

Treacherous to Guests and Hosts
Next we come to those who betrayed their guests and hosts, and they're stuck in ice as well, only they're more fully encased in the ice, with only part of their heads sticking out. I don't know whether this includes those who betrayed their talk show hosts, but let's say it does. It's fun to think about. Anyhow, it's just more ice. I don't even like ice in hell. It makes me think of Christmas at the mall. D

The Treacherous to their Masters
And here we are, at the very center of Hell, where the worst offenders of all are interred: those who betrayed their masters. What an anticlimax; when at the center of Hell you'd want to see, I dunno, people who took a flamethrower to a petting zoo while illegally parked in the handicapped space. A really polluting flamethrower. But no, you just get guys who weren't big on indentured servitude. And the punishment? They're encased in ice. That's right, we're back on the immersion trail. What a lame ending. D-

Special Addendum: Satan's Mouth
Various people have been writing suggesting that I somehow overlooked Satan himself, locked in ice and chewing -- with three mouths no less -- on Judas, Brutus, and Cassius. I didn't overlook it, I just thought I had gone on long enough. But hey, if you-plural want completeness, you got it. My commentary on this sub-punishment: Cassius? The three presumably most vile humans in history up until that point and two of them are in for killing some moldy old mediterranean politician? D+