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by Lore Sjöberg
Charlie
Charlie's okay in a sort of Neo-Dickensian pathetic blond boy way.
It's his Grampa Joe that bugs me. You'd think that if he could
drag his geriatric ass out of bed to go visit a damned candy factory,
he could have, at some point, gotten up and gotten a job instead of
letting Charlie's mom change his bedpans and make him cabbage
soup for twenty years. But no, he just sits there soaking up her
largesse, and when there's something he wants to do,
suddenly it's miracle time. But that's not Charlie's fault. C+
Augustus Gloop
You'd think the Oompa-Loompas would be more charitable toward
Augustus, given that their entire livelihood depends on people
like him tossing back empty calories. But then again the Loompas
seem to lack perspective throughout: they keep saying that if
you follow their little moral ditties then you'll be happy like
them, which sounds pretty good until you realize they're a bunch
of orange midgets in a labor camp. Makes a weakness for bratwurst
sounds pretty healthy in comparison. C+
Mike Teevee
This kid's supposed to be a hellion, but these days he seems
quaint. I mean, he watches westerns. If he was around
these days he'd be playing Redneck Rampage with the Extra Carnage
Pack and living for the ladder on Heat.Net, so a few hours a day with
Roy Rogers seems charming. B
Veruca Salt
We have a conundrum here. Veruca is a thoroughly repulsive
pre-teen, repugnant from frame one. Every word out of her
mouth makes you want to slap her so hard your palm print
will still be visible in her first driver's license photo, and
her eventual comeuppance is a physical relief. Okay, fine, but
she's supposed to be a bitch princess, so does
she get a high score or a low one? I'm going to put characterization
over personality and give her an A
Violet Beauregarde
Violet rocks. She's got great lines from "Stop squawking, you twit" to
"What is this, a freak-out?" She knows what she's into -- gum -- and
she excels at it. Sure, her personality wasn't exactly exploding with
social graces, but considering her car salesman father and the dinks
around her, that was understandable. I kept hoping she'd completely
lose it and kick Veruca's ass from white to bittersweet and back again.
A
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