The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Ways To Leave Your Lover

Slip Out The Back, Jack
I'm not entirely clear on the point of slipping out the back, as opposed to the front. Am I supposed to be afraid of the neighbors seeing me breaking up? Is the front door guarded by relationship-preserving rottweilers? Am I supposed to soften the blow by taking out the garbage? I suppose the furtiveness might appeal to those with an overactive sense of drama, but I say slip out whatever makes you comfortable. C

Make a New Plan, Stan
I assume the old plan is "Don't leave my lover." Unless the old plan is "Slip out the back, Jack," in which case Paul Simon really needs to make up his mind. In either case a new plan is a good idea, but it's not really a way to leave your lover, is it? New plans are nice and all, especially when bound attractively, but at the end of the day you're still sharing a toothpaste tube. D+

No Need To Be Coy, Roy, Just Listen To Me
At this point we seem to have abandoned all pretense of actual lover-leaving in favor of vague personality-building advice. This is seeming less like useful information and more like an infomercial for an expensive partner-abandonment seminar. "Just three payments of fifty-nine ninety-five, Clive." D-

Hop On The Bus, Gus
Finally we're getting back to an actual way to leave your lover. Not a good way, but a way nonetheless. The problem with the bus is that you generally have to wait around a while before hopping on it, which give you time to rethink things and your lover time to track you down like a jilted bloodhound. I'm not sure whether "Don't need to discuss much" is an addendum to this piece of advice or a preface to the next one, so I'm ignoring it. C-

Just Drop Off the Key, Lee
Now, you see, this is thoughtful. It's a wonderful way to say "The way you sound like a toy duck when you sneeze has driven me away, but that doesn't mean I don't care." Then, when your lover writes a tell-all autobiography, your chapter will be entitled "The Traitorous Deceiving Asshole" rather than "The Heartless Traitorous Deceiving Asshole." B+

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