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Ways To Leave Your Lover
by Lore Sjöberg
Slip Out The Back, Jack
I'm not entirely clear on the point of slipping out the back, as
opposed to the front. Am I supposed to be afraid of the neighbors seeing
me breaking up? Is the front door guarded by relationship-preserving
rottweilers? Am I supposed to soften the blow by taking out the garbage?
I suppose the furtiveness might appeal to those with an overactive sense
of drama, but I say slip out whatever makes you comfortable. C
Make a New Plan, Stan
I assume the old plan is "Don't leave my lover." Unless the old plan
is "Slip out the back, Jack," in which case Paul Simon really needs
to make up his mind. In either case a new plan is a good idea,
but it's not really a way to leave your lover, is it? New plans
are nice and all, especially when bound attractively, but at the
end of the day you're still sharing a toothpaste tube. D+
No Need To Be Coy, Roy, Just Listen To Me
At this point we seem to have abandoned all pretense of actual
lover-leaving in favor of vague personality-building advice.
This is seeming less like useful information and more like
an infomercial for an expensive partner-abandonment seminar. "Just
three payments of fifty-nine ninety-five, Clive." D-
Hop On The Bus, Gus
Finally we're getting back to an actual way to leave your lover. Not a
good way, but a way nonetheless. The problem with the bus is that you
generally have to wait around a while before hopping on it, which give
you time to rethink things and your lover time to track you down like
a jilted bloodhound. I'm not sure whether "Don't need to discuss much"
is an addendum to this piece of advice or a preface to the next one,
so I'm ignoring it. C-
Just Drop Off the Key, Lee
Now, you see, this is thoughtful. It's a wonderful way to say "The way
you sound like a toy duck when you sneeze has driven me away, but that
doesn't mean I don't care." Then, when your lover writes a tell-all
autobiography, your chapter will be entitled "The Traitorous Deceiving
Asshole" rather than "The Heartless Traitorous Deceiving Asshole." B+
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