Psychic Hotlines for Dummies

Finally, a "Dummies" book that every moron needs! This book answers all your idiotic, lame-brained questions, from "Should I spend my paycheck on just one hotline, or spread it out over several?" to "How do I reach the psychic hotlines after they shut off my phone?"

The Deadly Art of Feng Shui

Delve into the ancient Eastern art of Feng Shui to learn how you can use the principles of harmony and unity to kick righteous ass. Learn which limbs to break to ensure a free flow of "ch'i," how to rearrange someone's face to best effect, and exactly where you should rip your opponent a new asshole.

50 Things You Can Do to Save the Astral Plane

While steps are being taken to protect the ozone and the oceans, studies show that virtually nothing is being done to preserve our valuable ethereal resources. This book shows you what you can do to recycle your karma, clean up bad vibes, and protect our shared mojo.

Mystic Rituals of the Obsessive-Compulsive

For centuries, certain gifted individuals known as "Obsessive-Compulsives" have known secret incantations, rituals, and behaviors which they now share with you. Want love? Simply count all the streetlights you see for the rest of your life! Need to protect yourself against your enemies? Never go through a door without touching the keyhole with your nose; mumble the names of the presidents, in order, constantly; and wash your hands no less than forty times a day!

The Wisdom of the Celtics

"Save all your important receipts," says #7 Kenny Anderson. Zan Tabak (#55) suggests you signal lane changes, while #20 Tyus Edney explains his philosophy on proper home maintenance. From guards to forwards, first-stringers to bench-warmers, all the astounding wisdom of the Celtics is contained in this book.

Scourging Made Simple

Always "on the go"? Is it difficult for you to find time to attend to your spiritual needs? This book and kit shows how you can fit mortification of the flesh into any schedule. Ten minutes of self-flagellation before breakfast, a quick flogging at the office, and you're more in touch with your spiritual self than ever. Includes book, beginner's whip, and Neosporin.