The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

It's pretty rare to find eject on a remote control, and that bothers me. I can understand the reasoning: you're going to have to extract your ass from the dents in the couch cushions to grab the tape anyway, so what to you need an eject button for. And that would make perfect sense except that the front panels of VCRs are inevitably tastefully illegible, requiring you to bend down and get so close to the buttons you might as well press them with your nose. B+

Pausing your favorite shows and movies is half the reason for buying a VCR. It really shows those tapes who's in charge here. Whatever Nicolas Cage is going off about, he's just going to have to zip it and wait while you grab another Fresca. It's also handy for investigating rumors of on-screen suicides and playing "Is That a Body Double?" A-

Current rewinding technology is perfectly adequate, but I'm waiting for the VCR that provides Distortion-Free 1:1 Speed Visual Rewind, also known as "playing the movie backwards." Who doesn't like seeing movies run backward? Milk squirts back into people's mouths! Cars pull themselves off lamp posts and miraculously repair themselves while smoke pours back into the tailpipe! Disney heroes renounce their loved ones, lose their faith in themselves, and return to their oppressive origins! It's fun! C

Fast Forward
Fast forward is handy for skipping past commericals in recorded TV shows, but more often than not I'll fail to recognize the last commerial in the pack and hit play too late, missing the first few words in the description of the llama-fat-and-summer-melon bisque on "Iron Chef." I propose the addition of a "fast-forward, but back up a skosh afterwards" button. Also, I propose the elimination of fast-forward modes that are too staticky to tell whether you're still on last week's ER or you've moved to an old recording of "Seaquest DSV." C-

Classic in its simplicity, "Play" takes its place along such timeless buttons as "On," "OK," and "Toast." Some may claim that "Play" is too naïve for a complex post-podern, pre-contemporary, inter-millennial world where buttons like "Standby" and "Zero Back" hold sway. However, without beacons of selection like "Play," we sink into a quagmire where "control" is relative and we are most "remote" from our own souls. A

More by Lore Sjöberg Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage