The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Psychic Powers

Being privy to every little thought of those around you seems like a great idea until you read a couple dozen online diaries. This is one power you'd want to be able to turn off, lest you be driven insane the first time you happened across a poetry reading. B

I find the idea of lifting things without having to lift my ass off the futon very appealing, but I imagine that even such fantastic power would be no match for my incredible inertia. After all, chances are I'd have to furrow my brow and touch my temple to make it work, and that's a lot of effort when the empty Chinese food carton seems happy where it is. B+

I'd like to be able to see what happens to other people with clarity, if for no other reason than to piss off James Randi, but I'm not sure I'd want to be able to see what will happen to me, because of that thing where you see you're going to be killed by a bear so you decide never to go to the woods or a zoo or any other place where bears congregate and then you die in a K-B Toys when an oversized plaster promotional Teddy bear falls on you and you feel really dumb. Because you could have gone to the zoo all that time. C

This is kind of a goofy power -- the ability to see what happened to an object or in a place in the past -- but I like it. You could find missing children, figure out where you put your keys, and tell people interesting things about their used furniture. The most important use, though, is figuring out who keeps taking the food from the fridge in the break room. At last, at long last, your Lean Pockets would be safe. B+

Troi proved that empathy is perhaps the lamest psychic power of all, unless your great ambition in life is to listen to people complain about their failed relationships. In normal life, the ability to tell that the latte wrangler across the counter resents your indecision on flavored syrup is no help to either of you. D

You can't go wrong with fire. The only problem with the power to make things ignite and/or explode is that there aren't enough chances to use it once the cigarette trick and the fireplace trick get old. You pretty much have to turn into an insane force of elemental destruction or you'll get really antsy. C

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