Aggressor 2000
I am amused by the idea of a remote-controlled hang-glider being called the "Aggressor 2000." That's like selling origami swans under the brand "Death Talon Raptor X-500." Better yet, the copy urges you to "Own the Sky!" Yeah! Take that, you fucking thermal updrafts! Who's your remote-controlled neon-green daddy? C+

World Museum Globe
This globe is covered with semi-precious stones cut into the shape of countries and bodies of water, the overall effect being dazzlingly ugly. It's what you might expect from a primitive mythology in which the world was vomited up by Richie Rich's cat. D+

The Authentic Balducci Beef Wellington
I like to order items through the mail, because it involves two of my favorite things: getting stuff and not having to put pants on. Thus I am fascinated with mail-order meat. It seems to violate all sanity, and yet it compels me. Someday, someday I will wrap my bathrobe around me and sign for a box of beef wellington. I feel tingly just thinking about it. B+

Time Machine
Not nearly as neat as the name would imply, this is just an electric toothbrush that "makes kids want to brush," which is a lie. Kids don't want to brush any more than adults want to clean out rain gutters. Until they invent a way to clean your teeth by playing video games or chasing the cat around, anyone who claims that they can make kids want to brush is a bald-faced, fresh-breathed liar. D

CyberSlam
You know those inflatable clowns you can punch which were fun for about three seconds? Well, they've got a high-tech version of them now, so high-tech they had to go and put "cyber" in the name. Same principle, though. This one even lights up with suggestions on where to pummel, making it the world's first electronic martyr. C

Cotton Candy Machine
At long last you can stop weeping yourself to sleep every night! You can make cotton candy at home! This would be great if people ate cotton candy for the flavor. People eat cotton candy because they're someplace where people eat cotton candy. It's not a delicacy, it's just part of convincing yourself that attending an event based around hastily-constructed ferris wheels and/or awarding ribbons to cattle is fun. C-