by Lore Sjöberg

Fries
The variety and scope of french fries produced in this country is truly horrifying and blasphemous. Shoestring, wedge cut, crinkly, curly, spicy, cheesy, the list goes on and on. There's a theory going around which I just made up that says that there is a one-to-one relationship between subatomic particles discovered and french fry variations created. Think about it. A while back they finally pinned down the "top" variety of quark, (don't ask) and that same week I found a place that serves "Irish Cut Fries." Weird. Eerie. B-

Toy Heads
Not that these are actually made out of potatoes any more. And they don't put a lot of work into making him look like a potato. Really, he should be called "Mr. Potato-esque Plastic Blob Head." Which I think is my new band name. But I digress. Better than the usual toy are plastic face and body parts you can buy and stick with wild abandon into actual potatoes, giving you a juicy, starchy quality you don't usually find in playroom fun. B+

Guns
Having seen these for sale in comic books since I was a kid, I finally bought one. However, those self-same comic book ads also tried to sell me X-Ray Specs and Onion Gum so my expectations weren't exactly high. As it turns out the damn things WORK. Not only did it send little tuber missiles soaring through the air, it did so with an audible pop, filling me with glee and antisocial intentions. Even better, the packaging tells you how to CLEAN and OIL your potato gun. I'm going to train myself to disassemble, clean, oil and reassemble my potato gun in thirty seconds even in total darkness. A

Chips
I'm going to have to take an unpopular stance here. Potato chips are kind of gross. Oh, sure, I'll ransack any bags or storage cylinders of chips you have lying around, but I'll feel remorse afterwards, because potato chips are pretty much as vile as you can get with a snack food that has no "creamy filling." Even worse are flavored potato chips; sour cream and onion chips, barbecue chips, salt and vinegar chips that burn an acidic hole through your cheeks. I need to go wash now. C-

Baked
Baked potatoes give me eighties flashbacks. Somewhere in there someone decided that baked potatoes were health food, so they came up with "potato bars" which are like salad bars with more of an emphasis on chives. Then various health-conscious young professionals made themselves nice "healthy" lunches with about a one-to-one relationship of potato and sour cream, making the humble potato the denial diet food of the decade. It was a sad time. C

Animals
Yes! Potato animals! Oh, come ON! You remember! Pathetic rainy day activities! Four pencils, a toothpick, a pink eraser and a potato and you had an odd malformed creature that could easily haunt your nightmares. This was always sort of a last resort activity, once you had done the paper airplanes and the connect-the-dots and you couldn't stand to look at another damn Colorform. And why? Because it didn't DO anything! You took about thirty seconds to make and just stood there. Sometimes it's tough being a kid. C+