Sheena
This card features a completely nude Gena Lee Nolin with a bad case of mermaid hair. Now me, I'd consider a primordial rainforest to be a great place to put clothes on, what with the insects and the jaguar scratches and the fish that swim up your urethra. And I'm guessing, just guessing here, that Nolin puts some sort of savage ensemble together for the actual show, but here on the postcard she resembles the jaybird in her nudity. Now that's pandering. D

Candy
This is intended, I think, to portray the mouth of some sort of dairy elemental, grinning with delight at the taste of the featured candy. However, there is an undeniable vaginal connotation to the artwork, and I don't think it was a complete accident. While normally a staunch ally of the vagina, in the case of milk-sculpted, candy-slurping postcard vaginas I have to admit to being creeped the holy hell out. D-

Ladies
The top half of this card is taken up with a college-dorm painting of three ladies -- each with a different hair color, following the Apartment 3-G Rule -- enjoying a pizza and not actually facing each other. The whole thing is very heartwarming until you realize they're probably just watching TV. Anyhow, there's a recipe below for, I assume, the very pizza they're eating, complete with suggested brand names in all-caps ("1 pkg. ATHENOS Traditional Crumbled Feta Cheese with Basil & Tomato"). At least it's informative. B-

Unlisted
This card follows in the fine Los Angeles advertising tradition of not telling you what the hell they're advertising. Presumably, looking at this card, I will be compelled to invest in jeans, or boots, or possibly concrete. Only the tiny words "A Kenneth Cole Production" provide a clue as to what product I'm intended to covet. Well, they are nice boots. D+

Pants
Apparently this has something to do with a book called "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" which I have to admit is a catchy title. Pretty much anything with "pants" in it gets my attention, it's sad. Anyhow, the first rule of the SotTP is "You must never wash the pants." I thought this was some sort of female bonding sentimental thing, but according to the Web site the eighth rule involves spanking so now I'm not so sure. C