by Lore Sjöberg

Gummi Watch
The packaging for the Gummi Watch prominently displays a generic cartoon "cool kid" in shades and a backwards baseball cap cheerily licking his wrist. Dutifully I imitated this, sans headgear, only to discover that gummi substance is not something you want wrapped around any body part, especially if you've got hair already occupying that space. And it's not like the thing actually tells time. D

Aquarium Candy
Now you can indulge your childhood fantasy of drinking used fish water! No longer must you go to the local pet store and gaze longingly at the guppy tank, wishing that the staff would bend the rules and let you have just one sip! Now you can get a little rectangular package with fish on it, filled with eerie blue sugar goop! Sugar goop that will trigger any adult's gag reflex! It's a dream come true! D+

Sports Bottle Candy
Same sugar goop, different package. I like this because it's kind of the anti-candy-cigarette candy. Rather than imitating the unhealthy habits of adults in a comparatively harmless fashion, now kids are presumably imitating the active lifestyles of parents and sports heroes by squeezing congealed tinted corn syrup into their diminutive gullets. C-

Rain Sticks Bubble Gum
When this culture appropriates something, it really appropriates the holy living fuck out of it. Rain Sticks are these long wooden tubes routinely sold at crafts fairs and eco-gatherings. When you turn them over, little internal beans or whatnot bounce down the insides and make a noise vaguely similar to rain. They're one of dozens of supposed ancient American Indian traditions now cluttering dorm rooms nationwide. And now they're available in edible form, with little gum hunklets making the "rain" noise against the transparent plastic packaging. Coming soon: delicious Kachina dolls made of sausage! C-

Rugrats Comic Book Bubble Gum
This is what made me realize that this entire column is just an online version of third-graders eating bugs on a dare. I just thoughtfully chewed a piece of gum decorated with pictures of infants in order to entertain the public at large with my impressions of the experience. It was dumb. The comics were dumb, the entire concept was dumb, and the little kids look like victims of some fetal syndrome or another but I put it in my mouth anyway. Time for some scotch. D-