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Marsupials
by Lore Sjöberg
Opossums
North America gets one lousy marsupial, and let's just say it's not going
to win any beauty contests. Or even not-ugly contests. And it wouldn't
even get past the quals in the Mammal Intelligence Open.
I used to be much more impressed with possums before one of those
scientific myth-debunking books explained that they don't so much play
dead as fall into startled comas. Another pleasant childhood metaphor
thrown under the fridge of science to rot. C-
Wombats
In "researching" this Rating, I discovered that Yahoo has category
called "Individual Wombats." I just think that's something people should
know. Anyhow, I'm inclined to like wombat because "wombat" is a great
name. It's got a "wom," and a "bat," and an "omba." They're kind of
nondescript animals, cute in a generic pudgy mammal way, but their name
spelled backwards is "tabmow," and that makes all the difference. A
Kangaroos
My Austrialian friends have assured me that kangaroos are actually
something of an annoying, car-bumping form of huge vermin. I don't
care, they go boing. It is the only living mammal that, when jumping,
actually makes a "boing boing boing" sound. You can hear it from
almost a mile away. "Kangaroo," in fact, is aboriginal Australian
for "boing." Okay, those are all lies but I hear it very clearly in my
head. A
Tasmanian Devils
Warner Brothers has this so tied up I'm surprised they're not suing
order Dasyuromorphia for trademark infringement. So now a whole
generation thinks of Tasmanian Devils as living buzzsaws that strike
fear into all other species and like to pose for T-shirts, when actually
they're squat carrion-eaters who that got run out of Australia by dingos.
Dingos! D
Koalas
Koala bears only eat one thing, day in and day out. I had the same
experience with instant ramen in college, so I can really identify with
these prototypical tree-huggers. Koalas look cuddly, but I am lead to
understand that they're actually irritable, solitary beasts who do not
want belly rubs. What kind of mocking God created creatures with poofy
ears and big black noses that don't want belly rubs? B
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