The Brunching Shuttlecocks Reader Mail

Reader Mail (10 March 2003)

From: Douglas Walker
Subject: Wilhelm ruined my life!!

Recently, I went to see The Two Towers and I noticed Wilhelm in the Helm's Deep battle, I, naturally, pointed out to my girlfriend that this scream was from, or at least had been used in, the Sarlacc scene in Return of the Jedi. She promptly decided I was a Star Wars obsessive and left me for a fat guy with his own radio show. Life, not to mention George Lucas, is cruel. However, thanks to your site, I now feel vindicated and will be mentioning it in my next hopeless attempt to win her back. Yours sincerely Duckman Doug xxx

You know, to me this letter just reads like this:

"I'm a big geek and I pointed out to my girlfriend that I'm a big geek. She promptly decided I was a big geek and left me for a big geek. I'm a big geek. However, thanks to your site, I'm a big geek and will be mentioning that I'm a big geek in my next attempt to be a big geek. Yours sincerely a big ol' geek."

From: Doug Dodson
Subject: Correction

In last year's Ratings: Utensils, you described spatulas as "the flexible things you use to scrape bowls." While you were correct in describing the things you use to turn pancackes as "turners," I'm afraid the flexible things which you graded as "A" are called, in fact, rubber scrapers. Spatulas are the flat, dull, knife-ish things with the wooden handle you sometimes see people on commercials using to spread obscene amounts of pink frosting on cake before putting the entire thing in the dishwasher, for example.

I wouldn't have even cared enough to comment, except for the fact that this was drilled into my head during my 8th grade Family and Consumer Sciences class. The spatula thing, not the dishwasher thing. Anyway, my theory is that "spatula" is infinitely more fun to say than "turner," or "scraper," so that word was hijacked for use by the other two. Darn scrapers.

I'm sorry, "scrapers" is too unnervingly dentist-evoking for the name of a food preparation tool. I'm going to have to overrule all authorities on the planet on this one.

From: -}_2! o
Subject: milk and 'melk' - predictions

hey. just wanted to comment.. i'm from the south (GA.) and i wanted to know... is it 'Milk' or 'Melk'.... and do you say 'pellows' or 'pillows'? thanks.

I say "milk." I only say "melk" when I'm kissing elk.

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