The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings


Potato Bugs
"Fouler insect never swarmed or flew, nor creepy toad was gross as 'tato bug. Remove the cursed thing before I freak." -- Wm. Shakespeare, Betty and Veronica, Act 1, Scene 23. I can't even go into how nightmarish these vile little affronts to decency and aesthetics are. If I were having an Indiana Jones-style adventure, the Nazis would lock me in a crypt with a herd of potato bugs. And, I might add, I'd choke myself to death with my own whip right then and there rather than let a single evil little one of them touch my still-living body. They're still better than Scrappy-Doo, though. D-

Now this is what I like in an insect. Brightly colored and small with no stingers or noxious substance glands or pinchers or high-pitched whining in the middle of the night or hideous claws dripping with the congealed blood of innocents or unfortunate interest in ceramic collectibles. And it has a nice little rhyme. A

Stick Insects
I like the idea of an insect that looks like something other than an insect. I think we should expand on the idea and encourage, through prayer and/or genetic tampering -- the development of cigarette butt insects, 9-volt battery insects, and ethernet card insects. Or at least a Pixy Stick insect. As long as they're either locked in zoos and laboratories or native to someplace I'm not going. B-

Our society has an odd relationship with the concept of the flea. We make them into cartoon characters, subject them to scanning microscopy, and name our rock stars after them. They're easily our favorite bloodsucking, plague-spreading parasite, and yet we spend massive amounts of money to keep them the hell off our cats. There's a lesson here about the American approach to celebrity, but I haven't had breakfast yet so I'm not going to pursue it. C-

Sure they're swarming biting pests, but they have a neat name. It sounds like a type of candy. "I'll have a pack of Razzles, some Jolly Ranchers, and a whole handful of No-See-Ums." They're also called punkies. A Circle K candy aisle filled with Punkies, No-See-Ums and, say, Chiggers sounds delicious indeed. C+

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