|
Insects
by Lore Sjöberg
Potato Bugs
"Fouler insect never swarmed or flew, nor creepy toad was gross as
'tato bug. Remove the cursed thing before I freak." -- Wm. Shakespeare,
Betty and Veronica, Act 1, Scene 23. I can't even go into
how nightmarish these vile little affronts to decency and aesthetics are.
If I were having an Indiana Jones-style adventure, the Nazis would lock
me in a crypt with a herd of potato bugs. And, I might add, I'd choke
myself to death with my own whip right then and there rather than let
a single evil little one of them touch my still-living body. They're
still better than Scrappy-Doo, though. D-
Ladybugs
Now this is what I like in an insect. Brightly colored and small with no
stingers or noxious substance glands or pinchers or high-pitched whining
in the middle of the night or hideous claws dripping with the congealed
blood of innocents or unfortunate interest in ceramic collectibles. And
it has a nice little rhyme. A
Stick Insects
I like the idea of an insect that looks like something other than
an insect. I think we should expand on the idea and encourage, through
prayer and/or genetic tampering -- the development of cigarette butt
insects, 9-volt battery insects, and ethernet card insects. Or at least
a Pixy Stick insect. As long as they're either locked in zoos and
laboratories or native to someplace I'm not going. B-
Fleas
Our society has an odd relationship with the concept of the flea. We make
them into cartoon characters, subject them to scanning microscopy, and
name our rock stars after them. They're easily our favorite bloodsucking,
plague-spreading parasite, and yet we spend massive amounts of money to
keep them the hell off our cats. There's a lesson here about the American
approach to celebrity, but I haven't had breakfast yet so I'm not going
to pursue it. C-
No-See-Ums
Sure they're swarming biting pests, but they have a neat name. It sounds
like a type of candy. "I'll have a pack of Razzles, some Jolly
Ranchers, and a whole handful of No-See-Ums." They're also called punkies.
A Circle K candy aisle filled with Punkies, No-See-Ums and, say, Chiggers
sounds delicious indeed. C+
|
