Footwear
by Lore Sjöberg

Army Boots
"Your mother wears army boots" is no longer the insult it used to be, owing to the increasing acceptance of functional footwear for both sexes. In an ideal world, this insult would be replaced by "Your mother wears stiletto heels which impede mobility, destroy arch support and are an unflattering shade of red." C+

Tennis Shoes
The airsoles and the flashing lights and the celebrity endorsements are what get all the attention, but what impresses me most about them is the vast improvements in tread design we've seen over the past couple of decades. Tennis shoe treads now incorporate all sorts of freaky expressionist art. If only the waffle iron makers had the courage to follow suit. B

Flip-Flops
Also known as zories, wedgies, jellies, thongs and Jerusalem crickets, these have the advantage that they're easy to slip on your feet on the way to the beach, and the disadvantage that they're designed only for walking in one direction at a moderate pace. Try and pull of a mambo in these things and they'll be called "soaring projectiles." B-

Platform Shoes
At six-foot-four I'd no sooner wear platform shoes than an artificial nose extension, but if you want to give it a shot, go for it. Then you can see what it's like to bump your head in airplane bathrooms and on hanging decorations in festive Mexican restaurants. Then you can see what it's like to have everyone assume that if there's something on the top of the fridge that needs reaching, you're the one who's going to do it. Then you can see what it's like to never be protected by crowds from viewing street performance. C-

Fuzzy Slippers
Fuzzy slippers and terrycloth bathrobes are the little things that make it possible to survive the long walk from the bedroom to the coffee machine. And if they're in the shape of some sort of animal or animal part, so much the better. There's nothing like putting your foot in a rabbit to start the day off right. A