Hats
by Lore Sjöberg

Accountant Caps
I want one of those green accountant visors because I think it will make me irascible. Guys with accountant visors in movies always seem to be irascible, hard-nosed bookkeepers and/or bookies, and I think that would be good for me sometimes. Although, now that I think of it, maybe it's the black straps on their upper arms. Or both; having your blood circulation cut off by little black tourniquets while a green visor makes the world look like a thrift-store TV set from the seventies would make anyone irascible. B

Beanies
I've always liked beanies, but then I've always thought Jughead was a stylin' guy. I'm sure one of these days wearing a beanie and walking around with your eyes closed will come back into fashion and I'll be vindicated. I'll just have to put on my own beanie and close my own eyes. C+

Fedoras
For some reason, and I don't claim to understand this, there's a general semiconscious desire running throughout geekdom to see the men's hat make a comeback. This is hampered by two facts. First, anything coveted by geeks is unlikely to become a popular accessory unless it keeps track of phone numbers, and second, all the good hats have been taken by fictional characters. Before Raiders of the Lost Ark, a fedora was just mildly eccentric. Now it's just this side of wearing a Vader mask. C-

Chef Hats
The chef hat seems to be going out of style. The only TV chefs that wear them are the Iron Chefs, and even they take them off when it's time to get down to stirring, braising, and gutting live fish. This is unfortunate not only because it further lowers the status of the venerable chef hat, but because it makes them look even more like members of a Japanese version of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band. B-

Fezzes
In some counties, the fez is considered a perfectly reasonable piece of headwear. In the US, however, it's associated with middle-aged men and tiny novelty cars, the sort of thing one of the Village People would wear if they were a polka band. The really interesting thing is that the fez has managed to remain a symbol of something only the previous generation would wear for decades, meaning that either the lure of the fez becomes irresistible once you hit forty, or Shriners are immortal. Neither option is comforting. D+