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by Lore Sjöberg
Disclaimer: This is not based on the movie. The movie is of no
consequence. This Ratings goes directly to the cardboard-encased
source: the Parker Brothers game.
Colonel Mustard
A man among men. A hearty adventurer who grabs life with both hands
and stuffs it into his mouth like so much canned chili, making chorfing
sounds all the while. A ladies' man, a gentleman's gentleman, and a
closet cross-dresser, Colonel Mustard, bastard half-brother of the
Beatles' Mean Mister Mustard, could probably kill Mr. Boddy, grind him up
and serve him to the jurors in their city-hall-cafeteria enchiladas, and
still get off scott-free. A
Mrs. Peacock
Peacock is a color? And it's light blue? I've seen peacocks --
abrasive, parasite-ridden birds with a cry like a drowning drunk crow --
and as far as I've been able to tell, light blue is not part of their
admittedly impressive display. It's hard for me to imagine that a
valium-addled society matron like Mrs. Peacock would be able to crack
someone's skull in a single deft blow of an eight-pound candlestick, but
if there's a way we can frame actual peacocks for this crime, I'm all
for it. C+
Miss Scarlet
A cunning seductress with a smile like the clink of a poisoned
wine glass and a heart of cold, hard cash. Even if Miss Scarlet
didn't do it, she probably would have gotten around to it sooner
or later; if there's one thing made clear from the game, it's that
Boddy was loaded, and what Scarlet wants, Scarlet gets.
Three pieces of advice: don't trust her, don't turn your
back on her, and don't ask her to hold your lead pipe for you while
you take a nap in the conservatory. B+
Mr. Green
Mr. Green didn't do it. Do you know why? He didn't have the
conejos! (Spanish for "rabbits." And I stand by that.)
Mr. Green is a cigar-chomping, balding beef-jerky broker from
Urbana, Illinois -- it's obvious he doesn't know from murder. I could see
him kicking a potted plant in a blind fit of pure glandular rage, but
that's about it. D
Mrs. White
Mrs. White, having waited on Mr. Boddy hand, foot, and teakettle for untold
years without complaint, is a prime candidate to have snapped like an
autumn twig and offed him with any of the weapons that were lying around
or, in a pinch, stabbed him in the back with one of the little red
pegs from "Battleship." Personally, I think "Clue II: The Wrath of
Mrs. White" would make for great educational board-game fun for the
whole family. A-
Professor Plum
A professor, yes, but what sort of professor? A detached academician
in the tradition of "The Professor" from Gilligan's Island? An evil
genius, intellectual heir to Professor Moriarty? I actually see him
as more in the vein of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the old Muppet Show;
roundish, bumbling, and made of chartreuse felt. Man, I have to stop
getting loaded on Buttershots before writing these things... C
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