The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Disclaimer: This is not based on the movie. The movie is of no consequence. This Ratings goes directly to the cardboard-encased source: the Parker Brothers game.

Colonel Mustard
A man among men. A hearty adventurer who grabs life with both hands and stuffs it into his mouth like so much canned chili, making chorfing sounds all the while. A ladies' man, a gentleman's gentleman, and a closet cross-dresser, Colonel Mustard, bastard half-brother of the Beatles' Mean Mister Mustard, could probably kill Mr. Boddy, grind him up and serve him to the jurors in their city-hall-cafeteria enchiladas, and still get off scott-free. A

Mrs. Peacock
Peacock is a color? And it's light blue? I've seen peacocks -- abrasive, parasite-ridden birds with a cry like a drowning drunk crow -- and as far as I've been able to tell, light blue is not part of their admittedly impressive display. It's hard for me to imagine that a valium-addled society matron like Mrs. Peacock would be able to crack someone's skull in a single deft blow of an eight-pound candlestick, but if there's a way we can frame actual peacocks for this crime, I'm all for it. C+

Miss Scarlet
A cunning seductress with a smile like the clink of a poisoned wine glass and a heart of cold, hard cash. Even if Miss Scarlet didn't do it, she probably would have gotten around to it sooner or later; if there's one thing made clear from the game, it's that Boddy was loaded, and what Scarlet wants, Scarlet gets. Three pieces of advice: don't trust her, don't turn your back on her, and don't ask her to hold your lead pipe for you while you take a nap in the conservatory. B+

Mr. Green
Mr. Green didn't do it. Do you know why? He didn't have the conejos! (Spanish for "rabbits." And I stand by that.) Mr. Green is a cigar-chomping, balding beef-jerky broker from Urbana, Illinois -- it's obvious he doesn't know from murder. I could see him kicking a potted plant in a blind fit of pure glandular rage, but that's about it. D

Mrs. White
Mrs. White, having waited on Mr. Boddy hand, foot, and teakettle for untold years without complaint, is a prime candidate to have snapped like an autumn twig and offed him with any of the weapons that were lying around or, in a pinch, stabbed him in the back with one of the little red pegs from "Battleship." Personally, I think "Clue II: The Wrath of Mrs. White" would make for great educational board-game fun for the whole family. A-

Professor Plum
A professor, yes, but what sort of professor? A detached academician in the tradition of "The Professor" from Gilligan's Island? An evil genius, intellectual heir to Professor Moriarty? I actually see him as more in the vein of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the old Muppet Show; roundish, bumbling, and made of chartreuse felt. Man, I have to stop getting loaded on Buttershots before writing these things... C

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