The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Let's say you're an executive in charge of product development at some breakfast cereal company, and your latest creation features a rabbit on the box. Wouldn't you want to inform your project team to take extra care that the cereal itself does NOT look like rabbit droppings? This little piece of advice was apparently ignored by the minds behind Nesquik, because I found myself staring at the smiling Quik Bunny, and a bowl of tiny chocolate puffs that suddenly seemed incredibly unappetizing. I tried them anyway, in the name of comedy, and they were pretty good, but still. C-

Waffle Crisp
By the year 2007, experts predict that every breakfast food will have been made into a breakfast cereal. Sure, so far they've stuck with the sweeter foods like waffles and cinnamon toast, but soon they'll run out of those and be forced to make Home Fries Crunch and Soft-Boiled Eggies. For the time being, though, this is pretty good for something maple flavored. C+

That's a pretty pretentious name. How about "Wisdom Cereal" or "Existence Puffs"? At least it provides cheap comedy when you pretend to get Life Cereal, Life Magazine, Life the Game, and actual life mixed up. ("We're going to eat a board game for breakfast?") Anyhow. Mikey. You can't mention Life without mentioning Mikey. The kid was an eerie little troll, wasn't he? He looked like the toddler version of those Gypsy fortune teller animatrons with his piggy eyes and slobbery mastication. Ig. C

Once I was looking at a box of Kix in the cereal aisle of my local grocery-providing institution, and I read the following explanation for the mildly sweet flavor of Kix: "We take the sweetness from inside the corn kernel and put it on the outside!" I thought this was pretty clever and pointed out to my shopping companion, who fixed me with a long-suffering stare and said "corn syrup." Sad. Kix is pretty good, though, if for some reason you want to eat a cereal that doesn't turn the milk anything in particular. B-

It's pretty disturbing the amount of trouble you invite when you allow people to assemble their own words from food. Your children could be eating porn! Somewhere out there, even as we speak, some radical is chewing on "FLAG," "USA," and other words that made this country great! Okay, political satire, that was fun. Now, then. Alpha-Bits isn't all that different from say Frosted Cheerios, except that the only thing you can spell with Frosted Cheerios is "OOOOOOOO." B

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