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by Lore Sjöberg
Nesquik
Let's say you're an executive in charge of product development at some
breakfast cereal company, and your latest creation features a rabbit on
the box. Wouldn't you want to inform your project team to take extra care
that the cereal itself does NOT look like rabbit droppings? This little
piece of advice was apparently ignored by the minds behind Nesquik,
because I found myself staring at the smiling Quik Bunny, and a bowl of
tiny chocolate puffs that suddenly seemed incredibly unappetizing. I tried
them anyway, in the name of comedy, and they were pretty good, but still.
C-
Waffle Crisp
By the year 2007, experts predict that every breakfast food will have
been made into a breakfast cereal. Sure, so far they've stuck with the
sweeter foods like waffles and cinnamon toast, but soon they'll run out of
those and be forced to make Home Fries Crunch and Soft-Boiled Eggies. For
the time being, though, this is pretty good for something maple flavored. C+
Life
That's a pretty pretentious name. How about "Wisdom Cereal" or
"Existence Puffs"? At least it provides cheap comedy when you pretend
to get Life Cereal, Life Magazine, Life the Game, and actual life mixed
up. ("We're going to eat a board game for breakfast?") Anyhow. Mikey. You
can't mention Life without mentioning Mikey. The kid was an eerie
little troll, wasn't he? He looked like the toddler version of those
Gypsy fortune teller animatrons with his piggy eyes and slobbery
mastication. Ig. C
Kix
Once I was looking at a box of Kix in the cereal aisle of my local
grocery-providing institution, and I read the following explanation
for the mildly sweet flavor of Kix: "We take the sweetness from
inside the corn kernel and put it on the outside!" I thought this
was pretty clever and pointed out to my shopping companion, who
fixed me with a long-suffering stare and said "corn syrup." Sad.
Kix is pretty good, though, if for some reason you want to eat
a cereal that doesn't turn the milk anything in particular. B-
Alpha-Bits
It's pretty disturbing the amount of trouble you invite when
you allow people to assemble their own words from food. Your
children could be eating porn! Somewhere out there, even
as we speak, some radical is chewing on "FLAG," "USA," and
other words that made this country great! Okay, political satire,
that was fun. Now, then. Alpha-Bits isn't all that different from
say Frosted Cheerios, except that the only thing you can spell
with Frosted Cheerios is "OOOOOOOO." B
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