Evac-U8 Emergency Smoke Hood
This would be hard to explain to a child. There should be an accompanying video entitled "Sometimes it's Okay to Put a Bag Over Your Head" with a patient explanation of the difference between an emergency smoke hood and a Kroger's produce bag. Other uses: playing "Darth Vader's Laundry Day," hotboxing. C-

Remote Wireless Meat Themometer
"Monitor meat's temperature wthout leaving your armchair." To this day, scholars cannot determine how the pyramids were build without the ability to tell what temperature meat is without having to get right up close to it. The best theory right now is aliens with meat beams, but there are those who feel that they must have had some sort of primitive wireless meat thermometer made out of birds. C-

Ionic Breeze Personal Air Purifier
Also known as the "I Am An Uptight Asshole Medallion." It blows "cleaner air" up your nose, so that you can have the higher quality atmosphere the lower classes just haven't earned. What I want to see, what I would dearly love to see, is some guy trying to pick up someone in a bar while wearing this. "It blows clean air, baby. That's right, ionized. Oh, yeah." D-

Authentic Pachinko Game
I'm just glad it's authentic, because once I ordered a pachinko game and I forgot to check the "authentic" box and they sent me one of those little Cracker Jack toys where you have the get the little bee-bees on the puppy's eyes or something and it lacked that authentic pachinko experience that I was hoping for. B+

Remote-Controlled Indoor Triple-Turbo Blimp
Okay, so you have a remote-controlled indoor blimp for sale, and some people will dig on that. And if you point out that it's a Turbo Blimp, that's going to entice a few more fence-sitters. But then there's that reluctant demographic that's been looking at the double-turbo blimps for years now and almost buying them, maybe even pulling out the credit card but deciding against it at the last minute. And that's where this hot little number comes in. B

The World's Largest Crossword Puzzle
I like that the ad specifies that there are no repeat clues, because I never even would have considered that possibility that all the clues could just be "The noise a smoke alarm makes." Thanks, Hammacher Schlemmer! C+