The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Vulcan Ears
Spock ears may be the driving force behind the Trek phenomenon. Roddenberry apparently tapped into one of the strongest symbols in the Universal Geek Unconscious. Somewhere in the back of the mind of every D&D-playing junior-high-schooler is the equation "pointy ears = cool." Elves, Vulcans, Yoda, six-breasted Cat Women -- wherever you find dweeby wish-fulfillment, you find pointy ears. B-

Bajoran Nose Ridges
Man, they weren't even trying with this one. I don't know if they were running out of latex or what, but boldly going where people look like they're about to go cross-eyed is not my idea of majestic space opera. Coming soon -- aliens with extra-deep upper lip dents. D

Klingon Forehead Ridges
I've heard rumors that the Klingon term for forehead ridges is "flavor curls," but I doubt that we're getting confirmation on that one anytime soon. I'm sure the Klingons took home the "Most Improved Makeup" award at the Implausible Aliens Convention, but they never did explain how they got to their present impressive state from the original series, where on the special effects scale they rated slightly below "Endora turns Darren into a mule." B+

Andorian Antennae
Yeah, I realize even acknowledging the existence of Andorian antennae pegs me as Signori Molti di Geekland, but that's the price you pay for thoroughness. To my credit, I don't know what purpose the antennae supposedly serve, but I imagine it had something to do with natural selection, early in the Andorians' evolution, for lifeforms that looked completely fakey. This also accounts for the blue skin and the Caesar-cum-Sno-Balls hairdo. C-

Cardassian Neck Cables
There's something really stylish about the Cardassians with their suspension-bridge necks and Trainspotting-meets-Transylvania sunken eyes, the entire look conspiring to say "I was assembled from an Erector Set and I may destroy you at any moment." Overall I never really dug the Cardassians -- the Borg could have assimilated their asses faster than you can say "Mr. Tambourine Man" -- but the look was there. B

Ferengi Teeth
I know the ears and foreheads are supposed to be the attraction here -- how novel for a Star Trek alien -- but I'm always fascinated by the Ferengi's teeth. All other races in the galaxy seem to have discovered corrective orthodontia and no-copayment dental plans; the Ferengi alone dare to keep their teeth looking like Stonehenge on mescaline. Considering even the warrior-class Klingons must be flossing, this is an admirable resistance to inter-species peer pressure. B

More by Lore Sjöberg Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage