The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

The Constitution
You probably know what I'm going to say here, but I'm going to say it anyway: thanks to this cartoon, nobody born in the US between 1968 and 1975 can recite the preamble to the Constitution without singing -- in their own private headspace if not right out loud. I was called upon to recite same in Junior High school, and it was all I could do to keep from breaking out into a Janis-Joplin-inspired a cappella number. It was very thoughtful of the Founding Fathers to set the preamble to such a catchy folk-funk rhythm. A

Interplanet Janet
This just doesn't resonate with me. Not only is the song mostly forgettable, but -- and this is the important part -- the only catchy bit doesn't contain any useful information. It just points out that Janet is a solar system miss from a future world, which frankly describes a good number of women I dated in college, and makes a dumb baseball pun. C-

Is it just me, or does the big hide-and-seek bumpkin in this number seem on the verge of some terrible Sling-Blade-esque act of mentally disadvantaged homicide? I don't mean to be gruesome here, but I can't help but imagine that the cops are going to find this backwoods multiplication fan in overalls sobbing over the lifeless body of one of his cartoony urchin companions, saying "He wouldn't multiply by five! I tol' him to multiply by five!" Weird. Eerie. B

Elbow Room
What fun! A cheerful paean to Manifest Destiny and overpopulation! Now we know that relentless expansion was just driven by the need to dance! Take up the White Man's Boogie! Fifty-Four Forty or Frug! And once we've choked the life out of every square inch of this planet we'll go do the Expansionist Shuffle on the moon! Most of the Schoolhouse oeuvre has aged remarkably well, give or take that embarrassing scene in Reality bites, but this one seems a tad shall we say naïve. Catchy, though. B

Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla! I wish my name were Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla! Ironically enough, though, I'd insist that people not use pronouns when referring to me. I'd make them say "Hey! How is Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla? How are Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla's wife and kids? Did Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla catch the game last night?" If anyone refused, I'd get Albert Andreas Armadillo's rhino to impale them. A-

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