The Brunching Shuttlecocks Satanic Advice

Satan on Punctuation

Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about punctuation.

Kids, words are neat and highly useful. But without the right combination of punctuation marks, they can be confusing, meaningless and a gateway into Hell.

Let's start with the comma, shall we?

The comma is the one of the most commonly used forms of punctuation, and the most diabolical. A comma is meant to denote a pause or change in thought. This is used when the new thought is not an entire sentence on its own, such as in the sentence "I like to feast on the tormented souls of the Damned, especially when they're screaming." The phrase "especially when they're screaming" is not a complete sentence on its own, and is simply attached to the previous phrase by the comma.

Commas can also be used to separate items in a list. For example: "In Hell, many people spend eternity being eaten alive by maggots, vermin, locusts, and cockroaches." The commas in that sentence separate the items in the list from one another, much like the charred bones of the still-conscious Damned are often separated on the eternal slab of pain, one from another.

Next, let's talk about the question mark.

Question marks are oddly-shaped hooks which denote a question. The question mark is meant to be used when you are requesting new information, and in fact the symbol was made to resemble the razor-sharp hook of my minions who impale and vivisect any and all who dare ask for knowledge in Hell. Proper uses of the question mark would be in posing such questions as "Will my boiling eyeballs ever fully melt out of my skull?" or "Oh my God can someone please make the fire ants leave my genitals alone?" Or even "What shall I wear today?" As you see, kids, the question mark can be used in many ways.

Our final lesson today involves my personal favorite punctuation mark, the semicolon. Improper use of the semicolon can be confusing, foolish and can lead you straight to Hell. While this simple punctuation mark has confounded many an individual, most of you will be able to go through your lives without full knowledge of this Satanic symbol. The locals in Hell, however, are not so lucky, and their tormented wails of misery ring the halls as hordes of demons spend eternity slowly peeling off their skin while explaining its many uses.

Remember, Kids, punctuation is important. If you screw it up, you'll be laughed at, ridiculed and sent straight to Hell.

I'm Satan, see ya later!

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