Satan on Punctuation
Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about punctuation.
Kids, words are neat and highly useful. But without the right combination of
punctuation marks, they can be confusing, meaningless and a gateway
Let's start with the comma, shall we?
The comma is the one of the most commonly used forms of punctuation, and the most
diabolical. A comma is meant to denote a pause or change in thought. This is
used when the new thought is not an entire sentence on its own, such as in
the sentence "I like to feast on the tormented souls of the Damned,
especially when they're screaming." The phrase "especially when they're
screaming" is not a complete sentence on its own, and is simply attached to
the previous phrase by the comma.
Commas can also be used to separate items in a list. For example: "In Hell,
many people spend eternity being eaten alive by maggots, vermin, locusts, and
cockroaches." The commas in that sentence separate the items in the list from
one another, much like the charred bones of the still-conscious Damned are
often separated on the eternal slab of pain, one from another.
Next, let's talk about the question mark.
Question marks are oddly-shaped hooks which denote a question. The question
mark is meant to be used when you are requesting new information, and in fact
the symbol was made to resemble the razor-sharp hook of my minions who impale
and vivisect any and all who dare ask for knowledge in Hell. Proper uses of
the question mark would be in posing such questions as "Will my boiling
eyeballs ever fully melt out of my skull?" or "Oh my God can someone please
make the fire ants leave my genitals alone?" Or even "What shall I wear
today?" As you see, kids, the question mark can be used in many ways.
Our final lesson today involves my personal favorite punctuation mark, the
semicolon. Improper use of the semicolon can be confusing, foolish
and can lead you straight to Hell. While this simple punctuation mark has
confounded many an individual, most of you will be able to go through your
lives without full knowledge of this Satanic symbol. The locals in
Hell, however, are not so lucky, and their tormented wails of misery ring the
halls as hordes of demons spend eternity slowly peeling off their skin while
explaining its many uses.
Remember, Kids, punctuation is important. If you screw it up, you'll be
laughed at, ridiculed and sent straight to Hell.
I'm Satan, see ya later!