Satan on Weddings
Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about proper Wedding Etiquette.
Kids, when you're invited to a wedding, it should be treated as the utmost
honor. The Bride and Groom have asked you to be with them at the most
special moment of their lives, and to take that lightly is crude, boorish,
and a guaranteed ticket to eternal damnation. When I take a personal
interest in the torture of a particular immortal soul and invite them into my
personal domain for an eon of uninterrupted pain, they know that this is a
special offer, I can't oversee the misery of everyone, and they are touched
by more than just toxic maggots that gnaw their way through their genitals,
they are touched by my compassion.
Speaking of invites, let's tackle this tricky little number, shall we? When
the wedding invite arrives, it should be answered promptly. Whether you
intend to attend or not, a speedy reply shows that you care, you're
thoughtful, and is a good way to stay out of Hell.
Of course, when an invite arrives in Hell, it usually devours you whole, or
slashes your belly open with a massive paper cut, allowing your innards to
ooze out into to your terror-ridden hands, the sound of your screams
providing all the reply necessary. But most invites will simply include a
self-addressed stamped envelope.
Now that you've accepted the invitation, you need to find a gift for the
lucky Bride and Groom. Most couples will have registered their desires at a
store such as Macy's, Robinson's May, or Target. Find out where they are
registered and go shopping! Of course, if you are particularly close to the
couple, you may consider a more personal gift. Often times I will be invited
to a wedding for an archangel or a sub-level Demon and will go outside the
registry and provide a nice crystal vase, an exquisite set of candlesticks or
a flaming pitchfork encrusted with the entrails of the damned, depending on
the wedding. Remember, the right gift for the right couple.
Now that you've selected your gift, be it a set of wine glasses, a formal
dining place setting, or a still-throbbing human kidney, it's time to attend the
happy occasion. Remember, this is an important time for the couple, and
should be treated as such. Certain behavior, such as toe-tapping, humming or
vomiting blood can be seen as rude, disrespectful, and can lead you straight
to Hell. Many times, as I've prepared to marry the latest Bride of Satan,
someone's cries of complete and utter horror grew so imposing, I was forced
to have that soul swallowed whole by a flame-breathing multi-headed demon
where they would spend eternity slowly dissolving in the demon's stomach, and
that's never a pleasant scene. Trust me, no one likes a disturbance at a
wedding, so be respectful.
After the ceremony is the reception, and that means one thing: Free Food! I
try to make my weddings memorable, and the food is often plates of fried
human membranes covered in a white wine and entrails, or perhaps the roasted
skull of the guest's children, but most weddings won't be as fancy, and
you'll probably end up with chicken.
Keep these thoughts in mind and you're sure to enjoy wedding after wedding,
basking in the glow of impending doom, since I get more people who have
forever damned themselves through the adultery commandment than the other
nine put together.
I'm Satan, see ya later!