Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about goldfish.
Kids, a goldfish is more than that first pet or earliest confidant, it's
a responsibility. You need to learn to properly care for your goldfish,
or you could end up the sad owner of a dead fish, and you'll be doomed
The first thing to think about, even before the fish, is the bowl. You
need a proper receptacle to house your new friend. Remember, this is
going to be its home, so be kind. When I'm caging the souls of the
damned in Hell, I make sure to use the most painful cages of rotting
flesh, filled with fire and locusts. Your fish would probably not be
comfortable in such a cage. Remember, the right home for the right
Once you've got the bowl, it's time for the fish. While you're at the
store, take care to bond with the fish and find the one that best
responds to you. Of course, fish aren't all that responsive. Unlike in
Hell, where I can usually choose which demon to torture which pathetic
mortal based on the amount of terrorized screaming they emit.
But at the fish store, you're not as lucky, and you may want to go for
the one that turned your way when you tapped on the glass.
Now you've got your fish, and you've taken it home. First things first,
dump that fish in the bowl! Just like the liquefied remains of the
ever-living when I dump them into the great Cauldron of eternal pain,
the fish will swim madly about at first, until it comes to terms with
its new home. Now you have a new friend.
But you're not done there. You have to lovingly feed it regularly, or
it will flop over and die, and you'll go straight to Hell.
I recommend fish food. Because unlike humans, who howl in fear and pain
as night after night I feed them living scarabs which then eat their way
out of the stomach and through the body, fish don't mind eating the same
thing all the time. They're not that picky.
The last thing to consider when taking care of a goldfish, is to clean
the bowl. A dirty bowl can lead to a sick fish, cloudy water, and yes,
Remember Kids, a goldfish is a friend for life. And if you abuse it or
neglect it, you will wind up eternally flushed down the toilet of Hell.