Hi there, I'm Satan, and I want to talk to you about Christmas.
Kids, you all know what Christmas is all about, right? It's about
presents and reindeer and Holiday Cheer, right?
Well yes, but there's also this thing about Jesus.
Personally, I don't have a problem with Jesus. He has his thing,
I have mine. While he hopes to save your immortal souls through love
and crap like that, I'm more into torturing every fiber of your being
and watching locusts munch on your entrails. To each his own.
Christmas, however, is a bit much. A huge holiday celebrating his birth!
How unfair is that! Does anyone celebrate my birth? Does anyone even
know my birthday? (August 6th, in case you were wondering.)
I've just about had it with this! Not only has Jesus turned one stupid
day into a month and a half of goodwill and egg-nog on his behalf, but
he created a big, red clown for the occasion to mock me. Oh, come on,
who else do you know that's red and has the letters S-A-N-T-and-A in
his name? Me!!! Satan!!! Makes me sick just thinking about it.
I know that in my columns, I usually tell you all about how to avoid
going to hell by brushing your teeth and being polite and blah,
blah, blah. Honestly, I don't know why I bother. I mean I go all
out and practically bat for the other team and how am I repaid? By a
month of goodwill towards men. What about some goodwill towards Satan?
Just thinking of all the souls on the fence that my little advice has
tipped away from an eternity of popping eyeballs and scorched genitals
makes me sick to my stomach. All this work, and what's in it for me?
Personally, I think I've got a bad rap, and maybe if I had a friggin'
holiday of my own, I could funnel some more people down here. You think
I like being the end-all, be-all of evil? Let's just say no one tries
to catch me under the mistletoe!
Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm sorry to have rambled on like this,
It's not like me. Someone must have spiked the punch of the damned.
Happy holidays and all that junk. Do me a favor and set fire to
something, would you?