Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about good manners.
Kids, good manners are a staple of polite society. If you don't have
good manners, you may be considered rude or boorish, and you will be
eternally damned to Hell.
To start with, there's no substitution for being polite. A simple
"Please" or "Thank You" will go a long way towards making someone's day
a little bit brighter, a little bit happier. For example, when burning
the flesh off of a sinning mortal's bones, I always make sure to thank
my screaming victim for his time. Eternal suffering can be hard work,
and I appreciate their effort. And you'd be surprised how many
miserable souls will allow me to carve unholy symbols on their eyeballs
when I simply say "Please."
Yes, common courtesey goes a long way towards curing society's ills.
While we're being courteous, always remember to hold doors open for
people less fortunate than you. Allowing a wooden door to slam into the
face of an unlucky paraplegic is a sure-fire way to get a one-way ticket
I always try to hold doors open as I herd my tormented subjects towards
a pit of rabid fire ants or a room full of living flame which is just
waiting to melt their heart inside the ribcage.
And people, take off your hats when you're indoors! Wearing a hat
indoors is silly, rude, and will send you straight to Hell where you'll
burn for all eternity.
People who wear hats indoors are subjected to hideous torment in Hell,
where they're forced to stand, hatless, in the middle of a downpour of
sulfuric acid which continually melts through their skull and into the
soft tissue of their brain, where it creates unimaginable pain for all
That goes for baseball caps, too.
Finally kids, be sure to raise your hand before speaking. If you simply
shout out in a crowd without being called on, you run the risk of
looking foolish, offending the other kids, and yes, going to Hell.
When tiny worms of pestilence and famine are crawling along the insides
of the skin of the damned, the poor souls know that the only way they'll
ever get a moment's peace is if they raise their hand and wait for me to
call on them instead of just crying out in extreme agony.
But they tend to scream anyway.
To sum up, be polite. Common courtesey takes little to no effort on your
part, and can save you an eternity of afterlife misery. Remember,
polite people go to Heaven, rude people go to Hell and have their own
pus-ridden entrails fed to them nightly.
I'm Satan, see ya later!