The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

The Walrus is an Ancient Viking Symbol for Death
Oh, please. Can you imagine a bunch of Vikings coursing their way through the frigid Nordic waters, looking into the dense fog with trepidation beginning to form across their brows, when suddenly one of them sees: The Black Walrus! The Walrus of Death! That Undiscovered Walrus From Whose Bourne No Traveler Returns! It sounds distinctly Pythonesque. C-

The Green Apple on the LP Turns Blood Red Underwater
This is astoundingly cool, except for the bit where it's a complete lie. When I first heard this one, I leapt up to test it, and ended up with nothing more than a wet Abbey Road. For the record it doesn't work on CD's either, and you really don't want to try it on 8-tracks. Still, if some musician out there perfects the technology to turn a green apple blood red on an LP underwater, I swear right here that I will buy your album, no matter how bad it is. C+

"Lovely Rita Meter Maid" Refers to Paul's Car Crash
The theory here is that Paul's fatal car accident was caused by him being distracted by an attractive meter maid at an inopportune moment. Boy, those mop tops are gruesome, aren't they? Not only do they plant various lyrical clues referring to heads flying off and teeth flying out and hair catching on fire, they go ahead and write an entire song devoted to the agent of Paul's untimely demise. Makes Nick Cave look like "Peter, Paul, and Mommy" by comparison. C

The Drum on "Sgt. Pepper" Spells Out "HE DIE" if you Use a Mirror
Ooh! Spooky! And unlike the Blood Apple, this one actually works. Oh, sure, what it spells looks more like |ONE|X HE|DIE, but the "HE DIE" is in there, which can be quite unnerving if it's night and you've been reading about severed heads and disembodied teeth for a couple hours. B+

I Buried Paul
I'm led to understand that the second Beatles Anothology album proves once and for all that John was in fact singing "cranberry sauce," which alone is a good enough reason to spend thirty bucks on a bunch of songs you've heard before. What remains unanswered, however, is the question of what the hell did he mean by "cranberry sauce"? Do British people even eat cranberry sauce? I thought it was a uniquely American dish, consumed once a year as penance for slavery and inventing the sitcom. It's a mystery wrapped in an enigma and digitally remastered. B

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