These were the weapon of choice for misanthropic
youths with rich fantasy lives in my junior high.
They didn't actually fight with them of course --
that would have involved wonking themselves on the
head repeatedly -- but they owned a pair.
Or more. The reason for this, I suspect, is simply
that while hardware stores don't have a "ninja sword"
section, they do carry chain, dowels, and black paint.
These combine the mystery of ninja death-dealing with
the free-wheeling fun of Frisbee, a classic
chocolate-and-peanut-butter situation. ("You got
Shogun on my Frisbee! You got Frisbee in my
Shogun!") They also great for the movies, because
they require no special effects, or skill on
the part of the thespian-cum-assassin. Shot one:
Ninja throws throwing stars. We hear a "Thwip thwip thunk thunk" sound.
Shot two: Victim has been punctured and/or pinned
to the wall by his clothes. It makes "Bewitched" look like
a special-effects spectacular by comparison. A
All right, this isn't a ninja weapon. It is, rather, a breakfast cereal.
But, I'm not going to be doing another cereal rating for a few weeks,
and I wanted to get the word out now. This stuff is just insane. It's
mind-cloudingly wonderful. It's a breakfast cereal that tastes just
like Oreos! It's uncanny! You pour it in the bowl, you add milk,
and boom, you're eating Oreos. It looks a little weird -- the
O's are dark brown with little flecks of "Stuf," like a film negative of
Apple Jacks -- but it's just indescribably fantastic. I have a history
of falling in love with cereals that get pulled off the market shortly
thereafter ("Smurfberry Crunch" comes to mind), so I advise you to get
it while you can, stockpiling it militia-style if necessary. A+.
Okay, back to the ninjas.
Long Chains With a Hook at the End
This seems a little unnecessarily complicated for ninja,
the masters of the "hide, strike, fade into the night" triathlon.
Change that to "hide, jump out, throw a chain so that it wraps
around your opponent's legs, yank them toward you, poke them
with a hook a few times, then fade into the night" and
you've lost a lot of the mystique. Add to that the fact that in
the movies, characters normally only get the whole chain routine so
that the filmmaker can show that the character can defeat even the
dreaded chain, which would be impressive except for the fact that
the dreaded chain never seems to do much. D
Oh, I'm sure there are all sorts of names for all
sorts of swords that your better ninja might be carrying,
but they're all ninja swords, and that's what's important.
Swords are the second-most-important aspect of ninja cinema,
right after those little footy socks with the big toe
in its own little section. You whack them with the sword,
then you kick them with the footy sock; it's all part of
the plan. B+
I'm a fool. This Rating had been posted only a couple hours
before a reader identified only as "Nutas McGrootas" pointed out
that in the abovementioned hierarchy of ninja equipment, I had
completely left out the number one most important ninja item:
the smoke bomb. And goshdamnit, he's right. Even with your sword
and your footy socks, you just aren't a ninja without your
smoke bombs. You can't get in the ninja clubs, you don't get your
10% ninja discount at Denny's and you can't invest pre-tax income
in the ninja 401(k) plan. Thanks, Nutas, for pointing out my
sad oversight. A