The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Not the best confection to emerge from the Keebler Eviscerated Elf Tree. I'm not sure what "elfin magic" is, but it appears to be essential to making a mediocre version of Girl Scout Thin Mints. I'd love to see the Grasshopper-Thin-Mint thing come to blows, because it could end up in a no-holds-barred battle royale between Girl Scouts and cartoon elves, and who wouldn't want to see that? "Two cookie purveyors enter, one cookie purveyor leaves." D+

Chips Ahoy
I distrust all attempts to adulterate the Basic Crunchy Store-Bought Chocolate Chip Cookie. I'm disillusioned, for example, by the number of people who are willing to buy that "soft" store-bought cookies are "home-style" when a more accudescription would be "oddly grainy." Chips Ahoy, to be fair, have shown up in various Bizzarro-cookie formats over the years, but the original crunchy break-into-a-million-pieces-in-the-box version abides. Aside from capturing the very quintessence of chocolate chip cookies, Chips Ahoy are also finely optimized for the milk-dunking treatment, absorbing the milk perfectly and only falling to bits just often enough to keep things interesting. A

Barnum Circus Animals
Unlike their enfrosted cousins, these are clearly recognizable by species. And as such, they're ideal for that most charming of childhood rituals: slow meticulous dismemberment. Whether head-first or feet-first, animal cookies inevitably go through the sort of torture that makes the movie "Seven" look like a sunny, family-oriented 50's musical. It's fun! B+

Pecan Sandies
As cookies, these aren't bad, but they have to lose big points for the name. Maybe it's just that I live in a beach town, but "sandy" is not a word I want describing my cookies. Whenever I eat them, some subconscious portion of my mind is on grit alert. You can see how that would be unpleasant. C-

SnackWell's Chocolate Sandwich Cookies
These have that "dropped a cookie on the car floor, discovered it a week later, looked it over and decided it was okay to eat because, hey, who's going to know unless of course you write a Web page about it" taste. Kind of stale and gross. All in all, I'd rather eat half as many real cookies -- or even say a quarter-teaspoon of good quality olive oil -- than these. D-

Springtime Oreos
I covered Oreos last time, so you may be wondering why I'm touching on these, when they're the same damned cookie, just with light blue centers. My point precisely. Are we such mindless consumers that we're willing to treat Oreos with tinted "stuf" as an entirely different product? Are we willing to sell out the national attention span for the price of a couple drops of blue food coloring? Well, I am, but I was wondering about you. C+

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