by Lore Sjöberg

Sundials
In spite of the fact that ancient Romans probably would have swapped any number of valuable art relics for a single Sailor Moon digital watch, people still love to put sundials on their lawns and in their gardens. This reverence for the obsolete is oddly selective -- nobody seems to want to bring back smallpox for that retro forties effect, but clocks made out of concrete are big business. C

Flamingos
The disturbing thing is not that they're plastic. The disturbing thing is not that they're pink. The disturbing thing is that they only have one leg. People across the Midwest are decorating their lawns with deformed mutant bottom feeding birds. What pleasure they extract from peering out at their twisted mockeries of avian life I can't fathom. C-

Windmill Flowers
This is what I love about middle American home decor: they just can't leave well enough alone. It's not too tough to grow some nice flowers, but no matter what you plant--peonies to orchids--they won't spin in merry circles when the wind blows. But plastic, as usual, comes to the rescue. Stick some windmill flowers in the soil and they'll spin to beat the band, assuming your band needs beating. D+

Topiary
A charming decoration combining the soothing urban- pastoral effect of hedges with the disturbing eerieness of mounted deer heads. There's nothing that says "I have a giant scrubby rabbit on my lawn" like a giant scrubby rabbit on your lawn. My thought is that the ultimate sporting spectacle would be if we could somehow get a topiary rabbit and an ice sculpture swan to battle to the death. B

Gnomes
Hey, who doesn't want short people in funny hats on their lawn? Heck, that's the only reason people throw kids' birthday parties. And you don't even have to buy lawn gnomes high-powered water rifles, although the idea is not without its appeal. Where flamingos are merely tacky, lawn gnomes are actively weird. A-