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I'm tired. It's late. You all saw this movie 13 or 14 years ago. I'll make this quick. Top 10 Reasons to see Return of the Jedi: Special Edition 10. The Emperor is one bad-ass dude. I mean, let's face it, he splices, he dices, he zaps people with wicked blue flame. He's the man! One question, if he's all knowing, all seeing, why does he need advisors? 9. The only movie that can introduce a brand new planet for all of thirty seconds and have everyone in the theater know exactly what planet it is. The most anticipated "new stuff" this time, aside from the rumored Leia-Han nude scene, is the celebratory celebrations on the various different worlds of the Empire. One of these, Coruscant, is a world that doesn't appear anywhere else in the movies. Yet we all know the capitol of the Empire when we see it. Or at least everyone in the theater with me. Granted it was a theater filled with total geeks, most of whom haven't had a date with something without a keyboard in fifteen years, but I think my point is made. 8. Spaceships galore. Lots of them. More than before. Of all kinds. Cool. 7. New THX sound system lets back row know when TIE Fighters are near before the rest of the theater. I mean seriously, you hear them before you see them, and it's a pretty meat trick. Now if they could install similar devices in a few select bedrooms around town to let me know when the husband is coming home... 6. Banthas! Banthas! Banthas! They're the creatures the Sand People ride. No really, the Sand People. See Dad, I was wandering in the desert when these Sand People fell upon me and took all my money. Nah, it'd never work. Anyway, there's a heard of Banthas, it's cool. 5. What, you're gonna go see That Darn Cat? Let's face it, we've seen this movie zillions of times, but take a look at what's out right now. You wanna bring your kid to see a violent Al Pacino gangster movie? How about to the sex-talking Howard Stern nudie pic? Oh wait, let's not forget Booty Call. I rest my case. 4. Speeder Bike chase better than that new Superman roller coaster at Magic Mountain. Try it stoned. Not that I'm advocating drugs or anything. 3. Take a close look. Yoda? He's a puppet! Tell the truth, have you ever seen a puppet done so impressively? Don't ya just watch him and forget he's a puppet and not some midget getting ready for the heady days of Leprechaun? 2. Cute, pristine, bun-haired Liea of the past replaced with new improved sex-pot Liea in skimpy bikini. When Star Wars came out, I was six, and girls were icky and had cooties. When return of the Jedi came out, I was twelve, and girls were wondrous things who would have nothing to do with me. A changing Leia reflected these times. Once sweet and pure, she sluts out here like no one's business, and millions of boys from my generation slept happily after seeing this movie. 1. Boba Fett - Ladies Man He's so cool. I wanna be him. Forget about what you think you know about this cool cat, he's been upgraded into a swinging single. So now that I've said that, it's only fair that I now give you: Top 2 Reasons why it's still the weakest of the three movies. 2. Finding out Vader is Luke's father is pretty cool. Finding out Leia is his sister is just starting to get silly. What's next? "Luke...the fat dancer in Jabba's Palace...your second cousin she is!" 1. Ewoks. 'nuff said. You know the scene where the two Ewoks get blasted, and one wakes up to find the other dead? The entire theater cheered. What does Lucas see in all those damn Midgets anyway? Return of the Jedi gets 4 Babylons. As wonderful as it is, it doesn't live up to the wonder of Star Wars or Empire. I'm going to bed now. Night everyone.
Editor's Note: Please excuse The Self-Made Critic, he's been up hard working on his Oscar special. It takes a lot of work to bribe the Price-Waterhouse guys and get the results so he can look totally brilliant when he picks all the winners..
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