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The following review was first published in 1977 by a then 5 year old Self-Made Critic, who was already an intolerable tyrant. Wow! Neat! I saw a great movie yesterday. It's called Star Wars and it's about this guy Luke and he saves the galaxy from this evil guy Darth Vader and a bunch of bad guys so ugly they all wear masks. Along the way he gets help from this guy Han Solo and *ugh* a girl named Leia Something. There's also a big furry guy who grunts and sounds a lot like my uncle Herb and there are two robots named C3PO and R2D2 who save the world and are funny. My Dad likes the movie too, in fact, he's cut work 12 times in the last 6 days to see it. He's cool, I wanna be just like him when I grow up and just see movies all day. 'Cept I don't wanna have to cut work, I want it to BE work. That's be great. Do you know if you can make money watching movies? That'd be the greatest job in the world. So there's this really cool space ship called the Death Star which is just a big gray ball with a chip in it. And the Rebels save the galaxy, did I mention the rebels? They're cool and they save the galaxy by killing a whole lot of ugly masked guys in the gray ball with a chip in it. I think this is a good thing. Star Wars is a great movie and everybody should see it unless they are really lame and hate all things good. I liked Star Wars and am probably gonna see it about a hundred times if my Mom'll let me. I think Mr. George Lucas should be president because his movie is great and I love him. I'd vote for him. Well, not for a few years 'cause I can't vote yet, but when I can I'm voting for him even if he's old and ugly and has to wear a mask like the ugly bad guys in his movie. The thing I don't like about this movie is that when we play Star Wars in the playground, I always have to be Luke. Now I know he's the hero and all that, but I wanna be Han Solo, 'cause, let's face it, Luke's kinda a wimp. But because of my hair, I always gotta be Luke. And I don't like that cause he whines a lot and Han is cooler and you just know he's cool and he hangs around with Wookies. But I think Darth Vader is really evil and he scares me. In fact, I'm gonna be having nightmares about him for years to come. Except my Dad thinks he's the greatest. He got a T-shirt that says "Vader Lives!" that he wears constantly, and he's a fan. I think that's weird that he's a fan of evil. I may have to get a new Dad soon. I asked my Grandma if she'd seen the movie yet, and she said she hadn't and I think that's cause she's really, really old and is still trying to catch up on all the movies she missed last year. It must be hard to catch all the movies when you're old. So in my humble opinion, which should be the only opinion you should ever care about, everyone should see this movie. I'm going to give it 5 Babylons, because there's a Jedi Knight in the movie, and that's just too cool. Hey, if the Hollywood Reporter can run a twenty-year old review, then so can I. Oh, I may have doctored the last paragraph, truth is, I used to rate my movies on a scale based on the Cookie Monster character from Sesame Street. Editor's Note: Go see this movie. If, for some ungodly reason, you have never seen Star Wars, then go see this movie. If you have seen it, then see it again. The new stuff is fun, and it's on the big screen. Friday was company "Go take a long lunch or get off early and see Star Wars" day. We loved it. And only about half of us went in costume, so we're not all total dweebs.
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