The Empire Strikes Back
reviewed by The Self-Made Critic

The Empire Strikes Back.

You know, now that I think about it, that's a pretty dumb title.

I mean really, think about it.

"So George, what's your next film about?"

"Well, OK, remember the Empire?"

"Yeah?"

"Well this time it strikes back. Get it? Strikes back? That's the title, too. The Empire Strikes Back. I don't want to leave any doubt in anyone's mind about what happens in this one. It's about the Empire, and how it strikes back. Got it?"

I say, for the reissue, Lucas should have spruced the title along with everything else. How about "Hoth: Ice Planet of Doom" or "The Jedi Way" or even "Star Wars 2: That Darned Falcon." But no, they kept the original title, which in my idea is just a bad marketing decision, but what do I know?

All of you have seen this movie. In fact, you probably saw it as much as seventeen years ago in 1980 when it was first released. I did. We stood in line all day on opening day to get tickets as each show sold out until all that was left as we approached the ticket counter were some tickets for the 1am showing until, by some miracle, a woman showed up to return four tickets for the 5:30 showing and we snatched them up faster than you can pull the ears off a gundark. Whatever a gundark is.

So are there new fandangled scenes featuring, among other things, Lando and Chewie's homosexual relationship? Well, no. In fact, there isn't a whole lot of new scenes. One or two here or there, but nothing which even hints at Yoda's Jell-O fetish. However, they have made everything look real cool. Bespin, i.e. Cloud City, looks real, real cool. I mean it's awfully pretty, and you should book a flight over there soon for a romantic getaway or sensible anniversary trip. There's new stuff on Hoth, there's new stuff on Degobah, there's new stuff all over the place. But Bespin takes the prize for neatest new stuff.

About Hoth, in my opinion, the greatest scenes in the trilogy. An ice world. Cool. The Walkers which come out and literally stomp all over the puny rebels. Cool. The Snowspeeders. Cool. In a word, cool to the max. I dig it.

And it is one of the reasons why, in my humble but most certainly correct opinion, The Empire Strikes Back is the best of the three films. I mean, as the title says, this ain't no wimpy set of villains. These guys kick some serious booty and take names. I respect that in my Evil Empires.

So yeah, I love this movie, and I love the changes. There is only one minor thing which doesn't work only because, I'm pretty darned sure they added some stock footage from Return of the Jedi for use here, and I thought that was week. But you'll only notice it if you're a total junkie. Like me.

Surprise, surprise, I'm giving The Empire Strikes Back 5 Babylons. It's just a great ride, a lot of fun, and a nostalgia trip to reckon with. And don't think I'm blindly giving these films top ratings cause they have a Jedi Knight in them. I fully intend to give Return a lower rating unless they've somehow managed to make those damn Ewoks a lot less cute.

We'll see.