The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Fortunetelling Methods, Part 1


Myomancy is the ancient tradition of predicting the future by watching what mice do. There are various approaches to this. My favorite involves setting a mouse free and watching to see how it makes its exit. I wish that was my job. Heads of state and influential members of the community come to the steps of my temple, asking me for guidance. I listen to them with solemn visage, nodding in empathy. Then I go set a mouse free. Run, mousie! That's job satisfaction. Another option is just to assume that mice know something we don't. This is remarkably effective. For instance, very few mice bought an Xbox when they first came out. A


The wonderful thing about tarot is that people have pasted nearly every theme you can imagine onto the archetypes, ranging from Arthurian mythos to anthropomorphic ducks, and covering all the popular religions and many trademarked characters in the process. Tarot decks are like lunchboxes for new-agers. I was sincerely surprised to find out there's no Dukes of Hazzard Tarot. A-


There's got to be a better name than this. "Moleoscopy" sounds like an uncomfortable medical procedure that could probably double as a fraternity initiation. In reality, it's the practice of divining your character and future from the location and pattern of moles on your body. Presumably the auguries are somewhat more specific than "You really ought to have that looked at. Did you get sunburned a lot as a kid?" I can't help but see this method of fortunetelling as kind of invasive. It makes feeling the bumps on your head look like business correspondence by comparison. I can only hope that nobody has hit upon the idea of divination by means of sphincter creases. D


You know what's dumb? Those "dream dictionaries." Jung or no Jung, I refuse to believe that a short stack of banana pancakes means the same thing in my dreams as it does in every other person's dream. I have a very idiosyncratic relationship with banana pancakes. The other side of oneiromancy--fortunetelling through dream analysis--is the standard bowing-wheat sort of prophecy. Frankly, if my dreams are prophesies, then Kurt Loder and my first-grade teacher have a larger role to play in future events than one could reasonably expect. C-


This cuts through all the messing about with animal parts and gaming accessories and gets down to the basics: you see the future because the future is the sort of thing you see. This is a popular form of prophecy among the supermarket tabloid set, because the modern consensus is that sitting in an easy chair and rubbing your temple is a plausible way of predicting future events, but staring at tea leaves is just silly. Personally, I'm more of a fan of the divinatory dog and prophetic pony show because then no matter what your stance on actual fortunetelling, at least you get incense and a show. D+


Numerology is problematical for me, because I've had about fifteen different names in my lifetime, taking into account different spellings and arrangements of middle names. According to numerology at this point I should either be ruling a small Eastern European country with an iron fist or crushed under the wheels of some marketing executive's Beemer. Or, with certain spellings, both. I'm also not sure of the numerological value of an umlaut, which may be what's messing everything up. I don't need this. I have enough of this sort of trouble deciding on a cellular phone plan. Ooh, hey: Motorolamancy! The practice of telling your future from the quality of your phone reception. C-

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