The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings


Fun! Often painful! Here's an interesting bit of psychology: when a child first realizes one fateful Fourth that sparklers can be used to spell out words in light, what does he or she write? "USA"? "We hold these truths to be self-evident"? Good gosh, no! What gets emblazoned on the mosquito-infested air is the name of the tyke in question. Lesson to be learned: even nation-wide celebrations can be all about you if you put your mind to it. A+

Bottle Rockets
The quintessence of personal pyrotechnics. They whistle, they shoot through the air, then they explode, just like a flying, exploding Andy Griffith. Nothing wrong with that, unless of course you're setting them off near oily rags or aiming them at someone's brain. Don't do that. A-

Roman Candles
These are okay, I guess. You light them up and they go off like an aroused cartoon wolf. But it's passive. You don't get to aim it or wave it or throw it, you just watch it like the fireworks the city puts on. Just like the man's fireworks, man. C-

Aside from being an excellent way for impish moppets in depression-era short films to frighten horses, firecrackers are just plain fun. Thirty seconds of earsplitting, Yorkie-startling noise make you feel like you've done something with your day, you know? B

Black Snakes
Are these fireworks? How did they end up in my fireworks assortment? You light them, they glow silently, they leave a substance behind. By that standard, a pack of menthols constitutes fireworks. Presumably these are for the introspective portion of the evening, when you've decided to eat that last unidentifiable piece of fried chicken and light the last dregs of your fireworks. D+

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