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by Lore Sjöberg
Cows
I'm pro-cow and I vote. They're big and goofy-looking and
"cow" is fun to say, although I imagine Canadians have more
fun saying it than I do. The only problem I've ever had with
cows is when a small pod of them encircled me in a field in
Texas. I don't know if they were expecting cow treats or what,
but it was a damned eerie experience. Any one of them could have
crushed me like a ketchup packet, but they just stood there,
silently staring and chewing what I can only hope was their cud. A
Chickens
I've kept chickens; I once had a pair of hens named "Hazel" and
"Foxglove" after two characters from the Sandman comic, which
will probably come back to haunt me if I ever run for public
office. Anyhow, two chickens is too many, given that together they
produced over 600 eggs a year. Even the most cholesterol-stuffed
egg-sucking maniac doesn't eat half that many. They were cute, though,
if not the brightest vertebrates in the ecosphere. B
Sheep
The thing about sheep is that they provide us with many important
metaphors: being led like sheep, the Lamb of God, taking a long
walk off a short sheep, &c. Wool and mutton I can live without, but
the use of sheep as a literary device is indispensable. Plus they
give border collies something to do. C+
Pigs
Why is it that pigs are always the ones to get rescued from the
slaughterhouse in kids' movies? There are other food animals, you
know. Why didn't Charlotte write "Some Domestic Bison" in her
web? Why didn't we see a dark-toned sequel called "Babe: Rock
Cornish Game Hen in the City"? Pigs are cute and all -- for the first
six months of their life before they become hulking beasts -- but
let's widen the field a bit, shall we? C-
Geese
Geese, I'm led to understand, make excellent watchdogs. Which is good
because Rottweillers make lousy poultry. But whereas a watchdog will
be sweet and loyal to its owner, geese are ill-tempered and loud towards
all and sundry. If "Chicken Little" were at all based in reality,
Goosey-Loosey would have just swatted C.L. on the beak and then honked
loudly for fifteen minutes. D
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