The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

I'm pro-cow and I vote. They're big and goofy-looking and "cow" is fun to say, although I imagine Canadians have more fun saying it than I do. The only problem I've ever had with cows is when a small pod of them encircled me in a field in Texas. I don't know if they were expecting cow treats or what, but it was a damned eerie experience. Any one of them could have crushed me like a ketchup packet, but they just stood there, silently staring and chewing what I can only hope was their cud. A

I've kept chickens; I once had a pair of hens named "Hazel" and "Foxglove" after two characters from the Sandman comic, which will probably come back to haunt me if I ever run for public office. Anyhow, two chickens is too many, given that together they produced over 600 eggs a year. Even the most cholesterol-stuffed egg-sucking maniac doesn't eat half that many. They were cute, though, if not the brightest vertebrates in the ecosphere. B

The thing about sheep is that they provide us with many important metaphors: being led like sheep, the Lamb of God, taking a long walk off a short sheep, &c. Wool and mutton I can live without, but the use of sheep as a literary device is indispensable. Plus they give border collies something to do. C+

Why is it that pigs are always the ones to get rescued from the slaughterhouse in kids' movies? There are other food animals, you know. Why didn't Charlotte write "Some Domestic Bison" in her web? Why didn't we see a dark-toned sequel called "Babe: Rock Cornish Game Hen in the City"? Pigs are cute and all -- for the first six months of their life before they become hulking beasts -- but let's widen the field a bit, shall we? C-

Geese, I'm led to understand, make excellent watchdogs. Which is good because Rottweillers make lousy poultry. But whereas a watchdog will be sweet and loyal to its owner, geese are ill-tempered and loud towards all and sundry. If "Chicken Little" were at all based in reality, Goosey-Loosey would have just swatted C.L. on the beak and then honked loudly for fifteen minutes. D

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