Crackers
by Lore Sjöberg

Chicken In A Biskit
My two contradictory questions about this cracker are "Why?" and "Why stop there?" The whole idea of a chicken-flavored cracker is so revolting that I wonder why there's a market for that and not, say, Pork in a Biskit. The more flesh-flavored crackers we create, the closer we get to admitting to ourselves that we are, culturally speaking, batshit insane. D+

Ritz
"Everything," I am told, "tastes better when it's sitting on a Ritz." No exception is made for other Ritzes, so from this statement we can infer that any given stack of Ritz crackers tastes better than any smaller stack of Ritz crackers, and thus the tastiest stack of Ritz crackers is the tallest one that you can fit in your mouth. Anyone testing this hypothesis is encouraged to send me a detailed analysis and photos. B-

Goldfish Crackers
There's a weird sort of winding logic here. Cheddar is sort of orangey in color, and so are goldfish. People have been known to eat both, although not for the same purpose and probably not at the same sitting. I wouldn't say that goldfish-shaped cheese crackers were inevitable, but I can see how the concept would be compelling. A-

Carr's Water Crackers
I always buy these things when I get some sort of nice stinky cheese, because I have some sense that it's appropriate. This is not based on any real appreciation of the art of cracker baking, but rather on the fact that they're British -- and thus cultured, just like the Sex Pistols and Benny Hill -- and that I'd feel silly saying "Here's some nice imported Gruyere I picked up at the farmer's market. Wheat Thin?" Pretension and milkfat go hand-in-hand. B+

Triscuits
I never thought of this before I sat down and tried to come up with something compelling to say about Triscuits, but the name seems to be some sort of pun. You see, instead of Bi-scuits, they go one more and give you TRI-scuits, providing you with three of whatever a "scuit" is. Having deconstructed this bit of culinary wordplay I can say with confidence: that's really dumb. C-