The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings


Glass Bottles
We're running out of things to break. Some day we're going to see a movie featuring an alcoholic who decides to give up drinking when he realizes that people need him, and he's going to throw away his fifth of cheap gin in disgust and it's going to BOUNCE. In the meantime, I'm grateful that we still have glass bottles to shatter against the wall, to knock out unruly cowboys, and for Mr. Miyagi to cut in half with one sweep of his hand. B

Gift Baskets
In shopping for gifts this Creditmas, at first I was going to arrange my treasures in small attractive baskets before sending them out, on the vague principle that people have some sort of use for small baskets. Then I realized that they don't. People generally have all the small containers for holding jewelry/condoms/change/drugs they need, and gift baskets are just going to be thrown in the closet with all the other packaging you feel obliged to re-use. So it's back to the Sunday comics for me. D

I like cans. I like that you need a special tool to open them, I like that it's easy to make them unidentifiable by ripping the labels off. I like that you can buy dented ones cheap if you have a taste for danger and Dinty Moore. I like that they stack. I like that they come in revoltingly massive sizes for restaurant and cafeteria use. I like the feeling you get when you have cans in your cupboard that you're somehow ready to survive a hurricane or terrorist attack, even if you only have six and they're all pears in syrup. Cans are neat. A

I remember learning in grade school about the Golden Mean, which is supposedly the porportions that most appeals to the human mind, or at least the dead Greek human mind. Anyhow, I think the same thing applies to shoeboxes. There's something about the size and shape of a shoebox that shouts "Store things in me!" in echoing tones. Sometimes I have to go find some nice rocks or safety pins just to obey the Will of the Shoebox. C+

Paper Grocery Bags
Paper or plastic? Paper! Paper is better for so many reasons it would take three trips just to get them out of the trunk. Try and make an amusing robot mask out of a plastic bag! You can't! It doesn't work and you're likely to end up dead with a wad of plastic in your lungs. Cats don't climb curiously into plastic bags and then sit there with their tails hanging out. You can't scribble a phone number or draw a picture of a pony princess on a plastic bag. It's all about arts and crafts, baby. B+

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